patience

I don't have a really complicated routine on Saturdays.

I get up before the dawn, I throw on some clothes, play with Blue,

and then go to the Starbucks to get the same coffee, I get most days.

I went for a walk, which is also something I like to do. I make a good 4 laps of the park

which is about a mile and then I come home.

I just had unplanned time today after that, which is how it normally is after the morning routine.

I made some breakfast, watched tv and surfed online. Then made lunch

and then made a third meal. There's something in me that yearns for something

kind of special about the day - a special connection with ceremony - 

and if I put a lot of effort into it - in my mind - imagining what it would be - 

I seem to want it to be effortless and instantaneous and have difficulty thinking about the investment

....but wait...I am realizing it's important

to have some patience with myself and the planning of new things..it may seem awkward

at first and not fluid - but with time and habituation - the activity will be a comfort

and a joy. And maybe it's all just bullcrap...I don't know..

I know this sounds a bit crazy - perhaps it's just the safety of a personal pursuit

'alone' that I am after. I don't think this post is making much sense. But what I do

know is that I am trying to write it out - deal with the difficulty I have with engineering my life

and definitely trying not to be frozen in anxiety and emptiness.

So I may have a wire loose - but maybe with a bit of effort these ideas will work out.

Peace, and blessings,

Mark