Past seven months now
I don't even take the time to do the math. I got tired of counting. It's a good thing I only teach elementary math. :)
I've realized I have some options in my future. Jobs. People. Responsibilities. Celebrations.
I've also realized that I can pursue these things.
I may lose other things, but I'm marching forward to the beat of my own drum. :)
Not many people talk about happiness after their spouse dies.
I want to talk about progress, with me and God.
At first, just being alive was an effort. Then, I could make some effort into being alive. Just put one foot in front of the other one.
Soon after, I realized there were some happy moments in life. And more followed.
Now, I am coming undone, quickly. What I mean is that my old life is unraveling, rather quickly. I'm shedding the "married skin", the hopelessness, the helplessness and the questions I had.
I don't consider myself a survivor. I consider myself an adapter. I have adjusted. I have grown. I have let go of the parts of me that caused pain, like, "wanting to be married." Or "who I was". Or "who I wanted to be."
I have "my" TV shows, "my" activities, "my" friends, "my" time, "my" daughter and sons, "my" house, "my" pets and my job. I give thanks to God. It's all good.
I'm looking forward to the holidays and family. Looking forward to the spring and planting flowers. I know there must be something wrong with me, because that doesn't make sense, but I have just become comfortable in my own skin. I can't manipulate my circumstances or others around me. And I sure can't bring him back.
I am grateful that I am settled. Grateful that I have peace. Grateful for new friends and old friends. Grateful that things just somehow work out.
The only time I feel sadness is when I look at pictures.
The sadness is because I took our future for granted.
I loved him well, but I expected him to be around for another 40 years. I would have loved him more. I'm glad I loved him as well as I did, while I had the chance.
I've realized I have some options in my future. Jobs. People. Responsibilities. Celebrations.
I've also realized that I can pursue these things.
I may lose other things, but I'm marching forward to the beat of my own drum. :)
Not many people talk about happiness after their spouse dies.
I want to talk about progress, with me and God.
At first, just being alive was an effort. Then, I could make some effort into being alive. Just put one foot in front of the other one.
Soon after, I realized there were some happy moments in life. And more followed.
Now, I am coming undone, quickly. What I mean is that my old life is unraveling, rather quickly. I'm shedding the "married skin", the hopelessness, the helplessness and the questions I had.
I don't consider myself a survivor. I consider myself an adapter. I have adjusted. I have grown. I have let go of the parts of me that caused pain, like, "wanting to be married." Or "who I was". Or "who I wanted to be."
I have "my" TV shows, "my" activities, "my" friends, "my" time, "my" daughter and sons, "my" house, "my" pets and my job. I give thanks to God. It's all good.
I'm looking forward to the holidays and family. Looking forward to the spring and planting flowers. I know there must be something wrong with me, because that doesn't make sense, but I have just become comfortable in my own skin. I can't manipulate my circumstances or others around me. And I sure can't bring him back.
I am grateful that I am settled. Grateful that I have peace. Grateful for new friends and old friends. Grateful that things just somehow work out.
The only time I feel sadness is when I look at pictures.
The sadness is because I took our future for granted.
I loved him well, but I expected him to be around for another 40 years. I would have loved him more. I'm glad I loved him as well as I did, while I had the chance.
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