Past entries
11/18/11
I’ve had a bad fucking week. It started out good. I worked this weekend and I woke u Monday morning feeling good about myself. Then I went to therapy. Great place to go if you’re feeling bad about yourself- not the best when you’re feeling good. I’m pissed at my therapist. I know- well my brain knows- that it’s not her fault. But I’m pissed none the less. She broke my balls about still getting high. I walked into there feeling good. My depression lifted- and she brings up that I need to quit. I agree with her so I can’t argue. I never totally give up on quitting. But-as I mentioned to her- weed is the last on long list of things that hurt me. And when I think of giving up weed I lose the ability to keep the majority of that list away. The list is this 1. Abusive men. 2. Abusive women. 3. Bingeing. 4. Weed.
So I finally get a breath this Monday and she breaks my balls about quitting. I begged her to just give me a minute- that I’m not up to quitting now. And that’s a fucking true statement. I don’t want to quit right now. I want to live whatever fucking lie I’m living. You know what- if that lie doesn’t involve getting abused then it works for me. I don’t need to be 100% sober right now. I want it. But I just don’t fucking need it right now. So she says to me “do you want to end up like your mom and dad?” Of course I say no. I want to quit. I will quit. Just not fucking now. I can’t fucking do it right now. I agreed to go to a meeting. That scares the fucking shit out of me. I’m not a meeting person. I just don’t want to do this right now. I can’t take it. She said “what do you expect me to do? Keep enabling you?” and I said no. I almost begged her- just not now. I don’t pay her much. $25 a week. So its complete charity. And she sounds like she’s gonna leave me. She sounds like she’s on the brink of telling me I can’t see her anymore. I don’t know if I can do this without her. And if by enabling she means that she makes this just bearable enough then she’s right. She was like “why do you come here?” she’s fed up with me.
So this Tuesday I couldn’t get myself to go to work and I couldn’t this Thursday either. That’s b/c I’m scared of quitting. I can’t quit when I’m scared of it. I got knocked down hard by my last relationship. And I have to build myself up to a certain level of confidence and inner peace before I can attack quitting. That would take about a week and she helps me with it. But I understand her not wanting to waste her time. I don’t want to go to a fucking meeting. So I’m not going to go. That’s it. I’m just not going to go. I can’t do this right now. And if she has to leave me then so be it. But I just can’t fucking quit right now. I have to do it on my own time.
I feel so fucking horrible. I feel like such a failure. I don’t want to be like my mom and dad. I know she’s right. But I just can’t be 100% right now. And trying to do something I know I can’t do makes me feel like a failure. I can’t feel like a failure right now. I can’t make a plan. I just can’t. Why can’t anyone in my life just stay with me? Why do people always need me to be something other than what I am?
I have to accept me. I have to understand that I’m okay regardless of what others feel. Any others- regardless of how much they mean to me. If I want the world to accept me I have to accept myself. She’s right. If I continue to smoke I will become like my parents. And from her point of view I can see why she looks at me saying “I’ll quit someday” as simply being what an addict says. And it is what an addict says. But I still can’t do any better than that right now. That’s not to say that I can’t do better than that ever- tomorrow might be the day I make it all better. Maybe even later today. But right now, at this moment, I can’t quit b/c I just don’t want to. That doesn’t make me a failure. I know it’s gonna be hard whenever I decide to quit. Right now I just don’t have it in me.
For some reason writing that gave me a tremendous amount of peace.
I’ve had a bad fucking week. It started out good. I worked this weekend and I woke u Monday morning feeling good about myself. Then I went to therapy. Great place to go if you’re feeling bad about yourself- not the best when you’re feeling good. I’m pissed at my therapist. I know- well my brain knows- that it’s not her fault. But I’m pissed none the less. She broke my balls about still getting high. I walked into there feeling good. My depression lifted- and she brings up that I need to quit. I agree with her so I can’t argue. I never totally give up on quitting. But-as I mentioned to her- weed is the last on long list of things that hurt me. And when I think of giving up weed I lose the ability to keep the majority of that list away. The list is this 1. Abusive men. 2. Abusive women. 3. Bingeing. 4. Weed.
So I finally get a breath this Monday and she breaks my balls about quitting. I begged her to just give me a minute- that I’m not up to quitting now. And that’s a fucking true statement. I don’t want to quit right now. I want to live whatever fucking lie I’m living. You know what- if that lie doesn’t involve getting abused then it works for me. I don’t need to be 100% sober right now. I want it. But I just don’t fucking need it right now. So she says to me “do you want to end up like your mom and dad?” Of course I say no. I want to quit. I will quit. Just not fucking now. I can’t fucking do it right now. I agreed to go to a meeting. That scares the fucking shit out of me. I’m not a meeting person. I just don’t want to do this right now. I can’t take it. She said “what do you expect me to do? Keep enabling you?” and I said no. I almost begged her- just not now. I don’t pay her much. $25 a week. So its complete charity. And she sounds like she’s gonna leave me. She sounds like she’s on the brink of telling me I can’t see her anymore. I don’t know if I can do this without her. And if by enabling she means that she makes this just bearable enough then she’s right. She was like “why do you come here?” she’s fed up with me.
So this Tuesday I couldn’t get myself to go to work and I couldn’t this Thursday either. That’s b/c I’m scared of quitting. I can’t quit when I’m scared of it. I got knocked down hard by my last relationship. And I have to build myself up to a certain level of confidence and inner peace before I can attack quitting. That would take about a week and she helps me with it. But I understand her not wanting to waste her time. I don’t want to go to a fucking meeting. So I’m not going to go. That’s it. I’m just not going to go. I can’t do this right now. And if she has to leave me then so be it. But I just can’t fucking quit right now. I have to do it on my own time.
I feel so fucking horrible. I feel like such a failure. I don’t want to be like my mom and dad. I know she’s right. But I just can’t be 100% right now. And trying to do something I know I can’t do makes me feel like a failure. I can’t feel like a failure right now. I can’t make a plan. I just can’t. Why can’t anyone in my life just stay with me? Why do people always need me to be something other than what I am?
I have to accept me. I have to understand that I’m okay regardless of what others feel. Any others- regardless of how much they mean to me. If I want the world to accept me I have to accept myself. She’s right. If I continue to smoke I will become like my parents. And from her point of view I can see why she looks at me saying “I’ll quit someday” as simply being what an addict says. And it is what an addict says. But I still can’t do any better than that right now. That’s not to say that I can’t do better than that ever- tomorrow might be the day I make it all better. Maybe even later today. But right now, at this moment, I can’t quit b/c I just don’t want to. That doesn’t make me a failure. I know it’s gonna be hard whenever I decide to quit. Right now I just don’t have it in me.
For some reason writing that gave me a tremendous amount of peace.
Replies