Passion

Ok here’s the scoop. Last night I went out to shoot some pool. I called dh and told him where I’d be. I had a couple drinks. He had a beer. I pretty much yelled at him for a couple hours. I drank some more. I do believe he did not sleep with the stripper. I do know dh is afraid of diseases and I don’t believe he has slept with anyone else in the past. Over time, I lost the whole feeling of love and passion somewhere. I’m sure some was self defense because he was a prick last year. I could not even remember when or what it felt like. I found that feeling last night, and no it wasn’t lust. Although that helps? It had been a long long long time since I felt passion at all, everything became too mechanical, I was going through the motions. Probably since ddmom got pregnant with A. I know that part is true. Now I feel the passion and love I felt years ago. I think it was hidden behind the wall. We talked for hours about how we had hurt each other and built walls around ourselves. We have agreed to drop the walls and love each other. He has agreed to NEVER stop by the bar or strip club or whatever before he comes home. I know you think I’m nuts, but I feel very good for a change. I have been a complete mess for weeks not wanting to do schoolwork or work. I haven’t slept in days. Cant go to sleep and when I do I wake up all night. I have been numb for a long time, due partially to dh and ddmom, and THE FEAR. The fear of being stuck, trapped, losing Antonio, abandonment, hurt, fired, losing another baby, PAIN, whatever. I am not afraid right now. I like passion. It has been a long long time.I can say I love you and not think I’m lying. I am going to let go and see what happens. If it works great. If it doesn’t I will probably be a basket case again until I get over it. I am a wall expert, so I can rebuild if I have to in order to survive. But I am tired of being behind a wall. Numb is not good. And no matter what, I have to admit my part in the fact that although I would give him sex whenever, I basically didn’t touch him and hadn’t even tried to enjoy it. When you are numb, you are cold. Sometimes I couldn’t even remember how to kiss. Maybe marriage is the ability of two people to be vulnerable to each other. I know I can’t feel love and passion when I surround my heart with walls. It extends to the family as well. I cannot love my gs when I dwell on whether or not I’m going to lose him. Time to get out of the boat. A preacher pointed out all of the disciples could have gotten out of the boat and walked to Jesus. Only one had the courage to try.