Passion
I sometimes feel everything so passionately. Happiness turns into a pure exquisite joy that swirls in me like sunshine on acid. Compassion fills me. Everything is beautiful and worthy of love. These feelings grow in me until I can't hold them. There is no appropriate outlet for them and the internal spinning of light and love turns frantic. I could stay up all night and work on creating something to hold all that beauty but I have to work in the morning. Work is so unsatisfying now. Too crowded and noisy. I can't think. I can't focus. All the energy in me, all the light and happiness turns to frustration then ultimately sadness. I wish I could give my love to someone. I used to but it was in the wrong way. Now it dies and my head and heart are cluttered with decaying love and joy.
I was only 17 or 18 when lithium was mentioned. I didn't want it. I would lose my passion which is my catalyst. I still don't want it. I want my energies to be productive and not wasted or worse destructive. I want to do it without meds.
Masturbating several times a day...I guess I feel like I accomplished something and it temporarily used up some of the white energy.
I feel so sensitive tonight. I swear I can feel the energies of the people in the surrounding apartments. I feel like if I just shut my eyes and quieted my mind I could slip into theirs and feel what it is like to be them. I can feel the glass they touch. Feel the pillow under their heads. Hear the ambient sounds they are hearing.
Maybe I could slip into an owl. Wouldn't that be great??? I would fly confidently and silently through the sky. I can see the slightest movement in the grass. I feel the cold air around me yet it doesn't touch me.
This part of me makes me feel like a freak yet I am terrified to lose it.
I was only 17 or 18 when lithium was mentioned. I didn't want it. I would lose my passion which is my catalyst. I still don't want it. I want my energies to be productive and not wasted or worse destructive. I want to do it without meds.
Masturbating several times a day...I guess I feel like I accomplished something and it temporarily used up some of the white energy.
I feel so sensitive tonight. I swear I can feel the energies of the people in the surrounding apartments. I feel like if I just shut my eyes and quieted my mind I could slip into theirs and feel what it is like to be them. I can feel the glass they touch. Feel the pillow under their heads. Hear the ambient sounds they are hearing.
Maybe I could slip into an owl. Wouldn't that be great??? I would fly confidently and silently through the sky. I can see the slightest movement in the grass. I feel the cold air around me yet it doesn't touch me.
This part of me makes me feel like a freak yet I am terrified to lose it.
Replies
I understand what you mean totally about being full of love and compassion - that\'s a sign of hypomania for me. then when thwarted it turns to frustration and anger for me. That;s mania. I hear you about not wanting to be with noisy crowds. I always wanted to do it without meds too but found it impossible. Glad you have found a way to use up your energy, sad you have nobody to love. Sensitivity to people\'s energy, I know that one too. Slipping into an owl, wonderful! I won\'t do the usual \"take your meds go to your Dr\" thing but I\'ve accepted that\'s what I have to do if I am not to turn into a raving lunatic. Feel free to message me.
Over the past 2 years there have been 9 different meds. I am still on 100 mg lamictal once a day but that is all. Gah....I\'m so tired tonight. Maybe someday I will try another med but for now I want to harness my powers for good...or something like that. I need to work on coping skills and just being able to know what emotion I am feeling.
Why not brainstorm for ways of using your positive energy for good? 9 meds is an awful lot. We are guinea pigs. I am on 200mg lamictal and am lucky it had no side effects for me. Its meant to be an antidepressant as well as a mood stabiliser. Didn\'t work for me, I still have to take my antidepressant. Is your Dr planning any more changes for you?
There are nice pics of owls here http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Owl and you could google \"owl pics\" to tell me what kind of owl you want to turn into