(Part 5)

I was so close. Am still.So close to going directly against my values.Against what G-d would want me to do. ----I tried to break things off with her on Saturday. I tried to tell her that I didn't feel comfortable with her, couldn't be close to her.And I sort of said that.But I still left thinking things were ambiguous. Since then, we've e-mailed and talked on the phone a few times.She said she was very close to breaking up with her boyfriend. I wanted to make sure that it would not be I who would cause the break-up; she assured me that she would decide for herself. And in any case, she was (is) not getting important needs met in the relationship.From the standpoint of a detached observer, I believe their relationship will eventually break up.  I told her tonight, as best I could, that I could not give her what she wanted in a romantic relationship and that she could not give me what I wanted.She called me back later to thank me for my honesty.She also told me that she was very close today (or was it yesterday?) to breaking up with him. That the words were on the tip of her tongue.But she didn't do it. I think it will happen sooner or later.But currently, she's still in a relationship. It hurt so much to hear her feelings and her struggles, and it hurt SO much for me to tell her personal things.She's someone who smokes.And she's admitted that she's had pre-marital sex. I can't be close to someone who smokes, and it hurts so much to hear that she's already had sex. It's so hurtful.So hurtful.So hurtful. It hurts so much.I'm jealous. I can't change my past.I can't have gotten what I wanted but never found. It's not fair... but that's how it is. And she knows what it's like. ----Anyway, I realized tonight... I had the thought... that I wanted to tell her that I just couldn't have any more personal discussions with her about our relationship, her relationship with him, etc. That I couldn't listen. And then— THEN— Suddenly, I decided I would bike over to her place and kiss her, and maybe feel her sexually. TO FREAKING DO IT! I almost went.Oh, my gosh.I almost went.I'm so tired of living up to a consistent, high standard. It's so hard. I do live for G-d. But I have my needs and my hormones and my desires, and I'M NOT A PERFECT PERSON!I could even still go over there now.But it wouldn't be.... it wouldn't be in the heat of the moment.It would be pre-meditated, for I'd have had the recent past, the present, and then the bike ride over to stop myself. ------I felt G-d indicating for me to stop myself.I felt a woozy pull to go over there; but I knew that it wasn't right.Luckily, I got a call from a friend during that spell, and I explained the situation (I had sent him a text message not too long ago). He said people like me were one in a million.I said it was very lonely being one in a million. He also said he had once done a similar thing and that he felt disgusted afterwards. [Note here: I would NOT have had sexual intercourse with her. But... I would have done feeling. At least...] Yes. I would have felt lousy afterwards.But at least I would have LET OUT what was inside!!!!! I'm hurting so much. I'm so sad. So sad. So disappointed in life. I'm 30 years old, and I can't become emotionally close to someone who has already shared their body with someone else, because it's so important for me to be with someone who is having the same appreciation as I for what's happening.This girl would not have. It kind of makes me want to throw up. I can't be accepting of people who have done what hurts me... even though they had no intention of hurting me and their act(s) had nothing to do with me at the time. But it hurts. Bad. I'm so lonely. I want physical intimacy soooooo badly. Why? Why?Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?.... Why have I been deprived? Why am I being deprived?I'm human. For so long, 99.999% of the time in my life, with lustful urges (even if just to kiss someone...), I've held myself back. I WANT TO BREAK OUT OF THAT!I'M TIRED OF THIS! Tired! Tired! Tired! I want to cry, but there's no one to turn to..... not here......... :-((