Panic attack

Okay, those of you who know me, know I have been having problems with my relationship with my Mom.Well, today I delivired gift cards from my X to the nieces and nephews, (very nice of my X) I drop off some at my sister house and asked if she could get the other 2 to the others, she said " I don't ever see them Don't put this on me" this is very typical of her, selfish and just not nice. So with her not willing to take them, means that i have to take them to my Mom's (which is less then 2 min from sister and she goes there almost daily). Pulling up to my Mom's I realized that I was almost in a full blown panic attack, sick to my stomach hard time not crying shaking the whole 10 yards. So I took a deep breathe and walked up, and there my mom was sitting at the dining table, I tried really hard not to fall apart, All I could do was ask her to get the gift cards to the kids, I so wanted to literally run away, but I didn't, as I was saying Thanks she started with, "You know I love you"at which point I froze !!! I could only respond with " Your kiddin, I can't even walk in here with out falling apart. I turned and left.. I was shaking so bad, I wasn't about to let myself fall apart, I wasn't going to cry, certainly not in front of her.. So what does all this mean? Geez I wish I knew, but it defintely showed me that I'm not ready to forgive and forget. There is so much history, between my mom and myself, I've always been her little buffer with my Dad, she would set me up so my Dad would get mad at me instead of her, she always told me, that when my Dad gets violent I can just leave, and he'll forget about being mad at her. She had me take her to see her boyfriiiend, when she was still with my Dad, she'd tell me you don't like him (dad)  anyways so, it no big deal. And now when you talk about my Dad, if I say anything negative about him she's all he's your Dad you still need to love him don't say anything bad. She doesn't get it I'm still trying to justify what I did to him, and it's much easier when you don't like him.  AS many of you know I went thru MOHS for my Basal cell Cancer, I asked if she could just be at my house after surgery, she didn't have to drive, I just wanted someone there when I got home. She said "NO I will be bored, cause your not going to want to go anywhere, I don't want to just sit in the house.Which is what she does at home. BUt bottom line she said "NO. this was the straw the literally broke the camels back.  I think I will have a hard time forgiving her for this, it wasn't the first time she's let me down in this manner, but it will probadly be the last.. If I have anything to do with it. I have set boundries now, I will not let my family yell at me like they are all so  used to doing. I will not be around my sister if she feels she has to put me down, as she has all her life. I have set goals, I will learn to be self confident, I will not be around people that do or act in a Passive aggresive ways to feel better about themselves. I will not act in a Passive aggressive way to better myself I WILL, I WILL, I WILL, OVERCOME.... P.S.  After I left my Moms. I went to Palm spring and hung out had a good time. so this was my way of letting todays sistuation go. Otherwise I would be feeling terrible..