Painfully guilty

I tried.. I tried.. 

I am trying. I made a mistake.. and someone else is paying for it. I have to hurt myself.. I am fighting against myself. I know I can't. that i've gone too many weeks already.. Too much work to just let it go again. I'm really trying. I feel my blood boiling, my stomach spinning, my heart shattering.. my chest shrinking and filling, tightning. I need to relieve this pressure. I want to numb my pain. I dont want to feel but also feel the releacse. I want to breathe. I am distracting myself with work, shows, social media, phone.. but the moment i think about it, about the situation, it's an instead ... is this anxiety? i dont know. I don't know. I need to punish myself... I need to practice positive talk. I need to forgive myself.. but no.. my heart is not alright..