Painful Progress

Dear Fred:
Today just hasn't turned out in any way shape or form what I had planned for it.  Sort of like "life" in a nutshell.
I had planned to get up, wash hair, go to the Farmer's Market for fresh fruit & veggies, do a little housework....  The day changed about 30 minutes after I got up.  Tom called.  He had posted Nick's Subaru on Craig's List late last night.  He was already submerged in phone calls & e-mails about the car.  People were planning to come from Pocatello, Rexburg & our local area to see it.  Naturally I needed to be here as well.  
Even though the day really took a turn from happy diversions to handling a very sad and stressful  goal, it really is progress.  I know I needed to sell Nick's car.  I really cannot afford or need two cars.  The car sold to the first person who showed up.
Letting the Subaru sit for another Idaho winter would not do it any good.  And, if Nick saw "Wagner" still just sitting and not being driven he would not be pleased.  I know this was the right thing to do and to do it before winter.  However, it just makes me feel sad all over and very empty inside.
Selling Wagner is actually very emotionally difficult.  That is why Tom has been helping me with it.  The car is so much Nick.  Every time I see the car I can visualize Nick behind the steering wheel.  He really really liked Wagner and Nick, being from England, did not really like cars much at all.
In addition to the above, Nick & I made so many really fun memories with the car.  We took it to places in Moab UT that would make a less brave car shudder.  We took long dusty country rides just to see where a road would end up.  We took it Huckleberry picking each year.  We used it for hauling all sorts of stuff when it came to yard clean up or home improvement projects.  Wagner was just so much a part of our daily lives together.  It hurts to say good bye to the silly old car.
And most of all, this act of selling Nick's car is the first action I have taken that truly acknowledges that he really isn't coming home... not in a day... not in a week... not in a year... but never.  I suppose this is progress but it feels like it is ripping something out of me.  Maybe that is just the price of doing what has to be done.
I will miss the good times & fun we had with the car.  But in reality it wasn't the car itself that made these things fun.  What made these things special was that Nick & I were able to do them together.
Bye for now, Fred.  Thanks for listening.
Darlene                 9/17/2011

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

Everytime we have to let something of theirs they held so dear go, it is like a piece of us goes with it. I understand just how you are feelling. I felt that exact way with his clothing when I had to let it go. Even though I knew it was the right thing, and it would help others, it hurt like hell for sure.

but you know what I think now? I think that yes, the stuff is gone, but the love never is, no matter what. It makes me think of yet another song!! ;-) I remember EVERYTHING through songs it seems, but it really helps me.

You said and it\'s true, that he\'s not coming back in a day, a week, or a year, BUT like the song said ....\"not for just an hour, not for just a day, not for just a year, but ALWAYS...he\'ll be loving you!!! Believe that. I do!!!

HUGS, and hopes that it gets easier for Wagner being in a different place. It will always have a home in your heart.

Diane
swindy
swindy

Boy do I understand. Rodgers car was the first thing I had to get rid of also. I think Diane is on the right path when she said that those things are just stuff. The love is still there and will always be. Another Diane
widowhoodsucks
widowhoodsucks

I still have Mike\'s Ford F-350. I still feel close to him when I drive it. Eventually I will sell it and that will be a very sad day. Barbara