Pain and depression
I am in a great deal of pain today both physically and mentally. My two shoulders ache so bad and I am depressed to the point of not wanting to live anymore. I wish that God would just take me and not let me wake up in the morning. I am sick of fighting the pain and want it to be all over once and for all. I am so lonely and do not have anyone to take to as usual.
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I had a pretty bad day yesterday with pain and depression. Went to bed early as I did not want to watch much TV. I visited some people at the community center and hung out with the computer people due to problems with my computer. Thank God it is sort of working today. I woke up early and began my usual routine. Have been looking at Asian girls online; they are so much more feminine, petite, and caring compared to the American type, They talk about cooking and taking care of men. What a difference. The odds of meeting someone are low but it gives me hope to meet someone. Going to Dr. b and see Marsha for lunch. Joe may come over. My mood is better in the morning. Am looking at stocks to buy, but am leary of the market in general. There are some stocks that look good, but I am hesitant to buy them, because they seem extended. Will call Dad today.
Feel very good again today. Got some sleep. Talked to Mom; she sounded much better. We talked about her pursuing Pop at age 14. Wow, I was knocked out! Went for a walk and then to Grandma\'s for breakfast/lunch and hung out with my favorite waiters. Am going to meditate at some points. Lots of energy and am positive. Does not feel like hypomania nor mania. Hope that it continues, thank God. Go to church tomorrow and be with Lou and family and then?
I am doing OK this morning, but am a little tired. Went to church with my brother and spent some time at his disorganized and dirty house. I left before dinner, as I was tired and did not want to hang with my sister-in-law any more. I love her but she cannot stop talking and fails to listen. My brother and I are getting closer and I worry about his present situation as well as his future. He just has such a hard time working and keeping a job. I cannot due much about it, but it is hard to watch hi struggle so much. I have gotten out of much of my positions in the stock market, which looks very bad to me now. I want to continue to get out of this apt and meet new people and discover new opportunities. My pain seems tolerable and my mood is OK.
I got some last night and am out of the market for now. Went to the library and met with the admin sec. I have a booklet to fill out and then will get fingerprinted. Went to Walgreen and saw my favorite gal. Going to beach tomorrow. Spoke to a Japanese gal about my account at A.D. Talked to Lou who met with Brad. Need to tell Jeff E. that I will lead the meeting on Thursday with Lee. Will go to Toastmasters on Friday.
I had a strange thing happen last night. I was look at some porn for a good while and then felt like I was going to faint. I got in bed and called Marsha too process what was going on. I guess it was a butt attack; I have not had one for quite a while now. I guess I have much going on. I attended a TM meeting with mixed reactions. There were a couple of nice guys, but I am not sure about the gals. There was one Fiipina who was cute and young. Maybe I will give it another try. It seemed like many members had psychological issues; may be a good place to play who knows. I am going to lay low this weekend; I do not think that I will go to church. I am tired of driving the free ways. Will call my folks and need to decide how I will get to the airport and back for my trip to Colorado. I need to pray about my porn problem; I am just lonely and bored I guess and it gives me a chance to connect abeit in a negative way. My mood seems ok and wonder if it is the Neurontin or not. Still have pain on both sides of mouth. I want to start working and doing something productive and be useful. Need to fill out forms for the library and begin there. I think that I still have much to give and want to get out of the house.
I had a great trip to Denver. I miss my father; we spent a great deal of time together reading and hanging out on the deck. He says that he is fine and that he has no pain. He is forgetful but that is to be expected. Mom is ok she gets out and goes places. Her oxygen seems ok I have joined some meetup groups and want to rejoin Toastmasters; maybe not Palomar. I need to cancel my TN appt and MRI. Must be in denial still and that is OK. Joe is coming over and I told bob that I would meet him next week? I feel strong and pray that my mind, body and soul are healing as they have been for quite some several weeks. I do not feel manic but have good energy levels. I almost went down today and felt sorry for myself but caught myself by distracting myself to other things. I email some girls in Asia and have narrowed the search quite a bit. We will see... Go to bed early and wake up early. I went lower on Restoril and slept fine I think. Please God take care of my father and mother.
August 20, 2015 Feel good today. Did not sleep so well as I had some drinks last night. Talked to Michael Sobel last night. We had a great conversation. He experienced father loss as well. We talked about China and Chinese women. We even spoke about his wife Jenny for a while which we had not done before. Need to call my parents today and see how things are going with them. I will see Dr. B this afternoon and get ready to see BK o Saturday. I spent some time with Audrey yesterday. She is a real sweetheart and I trust that we will become friends and maybe even play some tennis together. Otherwise all is well. It is so nice to live in a quiet and peaceful area. Thank God for that and my many blessings. Was able to email back and forth with the gal who is presently the Palomar Airport Toastmasters club. There seem to be so many great people there and I am glad that I am going to join.M