Pain and depression
I am in a great deal of pain today both physically and mentally. My two shoulders ache so bad and I am depressed to the point of not wanting to live anymore. I wish that God would just take me and not let me wake up in the morning. I am sick of fighting the pain and want it to be all over once and for all. I am so lonely and do not have anyone to take to as usual.
Replies
My mood has improved the last couple of days. I am not sure how to account for this. Last week, I saw a doctor for trigeminal neuralgia symptoms that I have been having for quite a while. He put me on Neurontin. I will see him again tomorrow. I saw an acupuncturist yesterday and have some mouth sores this morning. One of the things that I have been doing is trying to get out of my apartment and out of my head. Also, I am meeting new people and making contact with others that I have not seen for some time.
Feeling very down again. Am in much pain and do not want to live another day. I would missed nothing in life. That is all that I can say now. I hope that I do not wake up in the morning.
I feel better today. Got out of bed and have accomplished many things. I still have some on and off pain in my mouth. Will see a doctor again today for my pain. A friend is supposed to come over for a visit.
I have been in bed the last couple of days due to pain and depression. I finally got up and took a shower and had a cup of coffee. I am alone as usual and do not like it much. Having been having dark thoughts about not waking up in the morning and being six feet under as I call it.
I feel better this morning. I am up early and going to church with my brother. I want to call a new friend today and see where that goes. Need to change my attitude about my life and my future.
I have felt pretty good all day until I tried to book a flight to Denver. Still tired from Neurontin and was not able to go for a walk. Pain was pretty bad, but I got thru it. Talked to Kim last night night; she sure sounds nice and cute. Also, sent Mary Q. an email that I have been working on. Slept pretty good. May take a nap. Talked to Mom and she sounded OK. Also talked to Lisa.
Talked to my father this morning; he sounded good. Told him about my trip.
Have been experiencing back pain for past couple of days. May need a massage or something. Will talk to Kim this evening? Am going to see a Neurologist this afternoon. Much pain in body despite better mood.
I woke up depressed this morning. Maybe this was due to taking extra Trazodone last night and slept in. Spoke with Kim last night. We are going to meet on Sunday. I am worried about her seeing my car, which has many dents. She wants to go to Laguna Beach, which I have not been to in many years. I asked her if she wanted to drive and she was taken aback by this.
I slept last night. Was supposed to meet someone to today, but I do not think that it is going to work out. It is too bad as I have been talking to this person for close to a month. Not sure why she backed out and not sure if I want to call her or email her. Am going to see my brother at church and will go from there.
I am sure glad that I did not meet the Vietamese gal from hello. I think that she was a liar; how would I connect no computer, no TV, was not fluent in English. Maybe she was a hooker! How could she be in America for so long and not speak English. Did not know her parents; raised three kids, owned two homes, changed her address, did not remember name of Catholic Church which she went to. Thank God, I went to see my brother and came home early!
I am not feeling well today and am very tired and worn out. I think that I stayed up too late last night on the computer. Had a strange thing happened while I was at Walgreens talking to my sister on the phone. I had a sudden pain go through my head; I do not remember having this before. She was talking about Mom not wanting to live. She called saying she was checking on me just like Mom and then proceeded to talk about herself and what a victim she was not to have anyone to take her to the hospital if something happened to her. Lisa then began to talk about stocks and how she wished that she had the money to invest. I for the first time told her that I could not stay on the phone very long; I was proud of myself for setting a boundary and perhaps need to do so in the future. She also spoke about going to some banks while in Denver to check out CD\'s for Dad. I returned back to my place not feeling well.
I was tired and went to bed early. I became depressed about being alone and thought that my life was over and thought about not waking up. I guess this has something to do with not hearing back from Kim, after I attempted once again to reach out to her. Maybe we are both afraid of meeting someone. I also think that seeing someone like Bass in my depression group made me feel like I have not ever had a woman who supported me or demonstrated kindness and affection toward me and that is a tremendous loss. I think that at my age and circumstances finding someone may be a pipe dream and I may not be a reality. I woke up early and felt better. I am going to meditation and may go to some meeting this evening if I am up to it and not tired or in pain. I am still having strange headaches that come and go, It may be due to Neurontin that I am taking.
I slept ok last night. Feel very much alone and long for company. Depressed and down, but am going to church. I do not know where I am going from there. If I stay in my apt. I will probably do nothing or look at bad stuff on the computer and think about pain and lonliness. At least my father seems ok. Have not had much pain in my mouth, although my shoulders hurt. I struggle with not having a job and an identity or a companion. I guess maybe I have to give it to God. The dating sites live me wanting and more lonely.
I had a very good day yesterday. I went to church and and met with some very nice people again. I am going to go up every Sunday. My pain was less and I am not sure how to account for this; perhaps it is the Neurontin. I feel less anxious, have more energy and am more horny. I pray to God that this continues. My folks are well and I am spending more time with my brother and his family. Thank you, Lord! May this continue and my mood stays positive.
I am feel good today. I slept well and feel positive. Talked to Pop for quite a long time and he sounded great and sharp. Tried to see a hook yesterday and see stood me up. May see another one today, not sure. Will see Dr. Klein today and catch up; maybe let go of Carmazapam. Pain seems to be more tolerable in my mouth and shoulders. Need to get walking again; Having some fun on new website Asian Dating; so many cute gals. Giving blue cards and getting some interest backa. Heard from Chris last night in Thailand; thought about going to visit him?