pain

right now im in so much pain, i have so much anxiety.  im tearing up, shaking, cant catch my breath.  i just want to die right now...

last night she told me shes now having doubts.  she kept comming into my room and laying on the bed with me, she didnt touch me though. she just laid there and fell asleep near me.  thats the closest thing ive had from her since this all began two months ago.  i dont know if its because she really is having doubts about her leaving with the kids. or because she doesnt want to feel responsible for my pain.  its obvious to anyone who sees me how much pain im in.  i really would like to die right now.