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regrets
i know im trying my best lately. And it’s working! Meaning is, every effort I put to try do something right is either going well, or it doesn’t, but that doesn’t affect me or depress me because I know I’ve tried and i leave the rest for Destiny, and timings.. sometimes you go with the flow and receive more, when you rush things, they don’t always move forward faster, you can just make a fool of yourself in the process, and that’s not intended result is it! So I’m ok with the flow, I’m ok with normal days when I feel I achieved nothing at all or even having a set back, it’s all ok. What I’m still not ok with and what’s eating me alive and it’s ongoing is a sense of regret. Regret at not seeing the obvious. Some facts were staring me in the eyes for decades, while I was sleep walking.. refusing to accept facts and behaviors that were always wrong but I chose to believe that it was my fault and I was In the wrong all the time, not trusting myself, trusting others more because they are blood. That, hurts me so much. I’m not upset with them, I’m so damn upset with myself, forgiving myself for being so damn blind is so painful and I’m struggling to overcome it!
Mid I can just forgive myself and stop beating myself up I would be in a much better place... trying.. but so far.. it’s
Replies
Look up that book I told you about radical acceptance Tara Brach.
You are falling prey to the wanting mind.
You are also falling prey to a judgement based on one critical voice . Your own.
The past is the past. You are editing decades of a life down to suit a judgement. You are judge jury and Executioner.
Our memories are not accurate. There is huge scientific evidence for that
Try a new question to yourself- what ways have I helped others the last twenty years or myself. Let that question run.
Don't trust your memories. Highly inaccurate. Plus you are funneling thousands of hours down a very narrow drain. Very narrow. There are probably times you didn't even realise you were doing good to others or others to you.
I used to drink a lot. I had many black outs in the end, so many memories lost because I cannot even remember what went on. And following days and times somehow I just don’t have a collection of memories other than pictures. But even when alcohol not involved I just don’t remember a lot about almost 20 years of my life. I suddenly work up and my life is empty, no idea where the years went, nothing to feel proud about. Today was tough. Will check this book, I definitely need extra help and with this lockdown too much time spent inside my own head.