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Reflections:

Lockdown. It is going ok, better than last week. I am not feeling clausterphobic anymore, sitting outside for a while in the morning certinly helped me, change of scene and getting out of my head for a while really helps.. 

My brother. Where can i start. I saw him after 4-5 years of seperation, but we live in the same area. strange? no. He did that before, long time ago. He is the same as the rest of them. stubbron personalities who only hear their own voice. If it's not his way then it's a no way. Stubbron and rude. rutheless when he wants to be. But I love him. he is the only member who i feel can get me in this family, but he doesnt understand or forgive easily, he gets me, but doesnt accept it, very strange again. yes. i love him, i get him, but i am never this mean to anyone, at least not to him, so i am shocked and decided that our relationship can never be the same again. He is now like a sweet cousin or a normal brother nothing special, I thought he was almost like a father once. WRONG. I will never assume i can rely on him again. forever love him, but he will never be allowed to let me down like this again, because he will never be allowed to come as close to me, will never confide in him like i used to, will never ask him for help. I only have myself to rely on.

My husband, soon to be ex. I still miss him and think about him.I still love him. despite what he thinks. he thinks i am back to party with friends, it is all rosy and vibrant without him. He thinks i didn't love him enough, after all that i have done. Such a harsh judgement. I know I have... but those problems will not go away, our differences are too many, too serious. I cannot support someone who cannot support me.. it is just not right. it is killing me.. so now i die slowly by sacrificing my life to him and his projetcs, or to die from loneliness and seperation from him... i think i am going for the misery of seperation as a solution... and i will not expect him to understand, why should he. he will soon start calling me that bitch who quit on him half way. That's not the truth, but i dont think he will ever be able to see it from my perspective.  My heart is breaking this evening, I miss him. I feel really sad the time have come, and the miracles i hoped for didn't happen. 

enough with the tears.