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so day one of a busy week. I have to make it busy, I planned it this way yesterday. Go out every day for a nice long walk as far as I can go, put the trainers on and just keep moving... follow the sun!

not going out last week have not benefited my mental health (and my mental health is fragile and messed up as it is, lockdown is a serious catalyst to deteriorate more). Lockdown is not healthy, but we have to do it. However, with the right precautions, a little adventure,( locally while keep in mind to avoid crowded places and public transport), is doable and extremely necessary, like air and water. 

But there has to be a sense of purpose, I always associate my outings with a shopping list and supermarket stop at the end of it to treat myself. But I end up buying things which I don’t need.. so I thought today I should buy a steps watch or something, to make my purpose maybe counting how many steps or miles I’ve walked.. Suppose I can just download an app on my phone too.. will check what’s available. 

For the last three days I felt I was sliding downwards. My moods were fluctuating, I was so happy one minute, and then Netflix happened. I don’t like my relationship with Netflix or tv anymore but Netflix is my enemy now. I noticed it on more than once now. my addictive nature kicks in when I get hooked on a programme and you will find me watching 10 episode in one session. By night I’m so fed up with it all and regretting the way I’ve spent my day. So membership is canceled. Tv is easier to control because it’s different, I don’t follow anything just switch it on and see what’s on in that moment no commitments. So thats a trigger to be avoided and it’s very easy to eliminate!

Other than my walk today I did something else which helped me. I made myself laugh. I read a few online things which usually makes me laugh..laughing is miraculous! I can feel the chemicals changing in my body and life comes back to me when I cheer myself up. Simple things like a funny cats video or anything light hearted and works for me.. the effect is unmissable, always helpful.

Im fighting hard a dark episode which wants to invite itself for a week or so, average time it lasts usually a week. I am not always depressed, but I’m prone to these episodes. I can be so happy, so ecstatic, optimistic, full of life and dreams, then something happens and for a week or so im experiencing the worst thoughts anyone can have. In the past I used to call it bad life, my life and my circumstances etc, but now I call it a depression episode and it is temporary and I can fight it and avoid it. The fact that I can be so happy and different just a week later without any big changes in my life, means I can create my happiness regardless of what’s going on.. but it is my mind that plays tricks on me! 

I have to list the depression triggers. And a list the cures for each of these triggers, will write it in another journal this evening. Writing is definitely one of the cures.. it helps me stay alert and aware of what’s going on, like keeping an eye on this devil that lives inside me, he is there for now, but I can control him and silence him most of the time. But If I take my eyes off this ugly devil for one day due to negligence and complacency, he will take control of me again and I start thinking about the most horrible things, every negative think, like my death in the most horrible and lonely manner and that my life will end very soon! This is how evil thing can be. No sense of humor at all, very wicked and very serious. But I’m learning to control it, shut it up before it says a single word not even a full sentence! And keeping busy and active is one guarantee way to kick him where it hurts.