Overwhelmed
I thought long and hard about writing today, because I know a lot of SOTHS are enjoying themselves in Branson...but I figured most of those that attended are too busy having fun to check in right now anyway.
I am so darn emotional, and not in a good way. The reality of my child...and I have to say it, my deceased child, seems to have hit me all over again. As if that isn't enough, it seems like little things are really getting to me...the election, the debate, my puppy Huck, who won't be my puppy no matter how much I have loved him from a distance.
My diet has gone to crap, my husband does not know how to handle my darkest urges, so he just gets angry...sigh My mother is supposed to be coming to pick up an i-pad I have no use for and just the thought of trying to teach her to use it makes me want to hide in my closet. Certain family members are trying to force me out of the house to visit a wildlife preserve, ordinarily a good idea, but I simply can't people right now. I can not be or act normal. My sister, as usual, is pushing exercize and talk therapy...might as well be a mountain to climb during a depressive episode.
It will pass, I know...I was about to call a hotline night before last when a Mom I had previously helped appeared and talked me down. I just needed to talk, really talk...without having to worry about scaring my family, angering my husband...I was greatful she was there and I thought a good night's sleep would improve my mood...but not yet.
I wish I had gone to Branson, maybe the distraction would have helped. I am on my period, so I am sure my hormones are not helping at all. Just so sad, so tired, overwhelmed with life. I don't seem to be getting any better.
Replies
All I can do is love you.......and I do.
I'm sorry for your pain. Truly.
You take it easy with yourself friend. I can't even imagine how painful the loss of a child would feel like. I am glad you have others here on DS who do understand that pain.
compassion and ♥ sent your way.
I'm so sorry Gina... My hope is always that in the sharing there is some sense of relief, even if for a nano second to get it out into the light and to have it held by others.
May you know that you are surrounded in loving care because YOU are.
Holding your hand in mine and caring~
XO Joanie
Hello Gina, I'm pretty terrible about writing on here but I'm trying harder and slowly getting used to this new site. I'll be glad when the photos come back on here.
I really understand how hard it can 'suddenly' get. And in between it All, having to tolerate Everything daily, on top of feeling expected to cope with losing your child you deeply Love all through Everything, and deeply Miss all through Everything, no wonder Everything feels overwhelming.
I totally 'get' the frustration of trying to teach your mother how to use your old(er) iPad. I hope the low awful feeling passes very soon, Gina.
I remember I have sometimes really wanted to talk, really talk about all the most horrible things to do with when my son died too, and after, but most people just can't listen to awful stuff. I have had to bury most of it now and after 16 years uit still suddenly surfaces & I still want to talk all about those 'awful' things. Life is hard but I'm glad we have this Internet so we can talk like this, & I fully understand your feelings here Gina.
Even way over here in Australia, we are all worrying alot about USA's approaching election& its massive global consequences.
I hope you have some real relief very soon. LOts of Love from Tamzin's Mum, Kriss xxx
Dear Gina, sounds like you just really need to cucoon right now. Friends and family members mean well, but they can't possibly understand. It is good to talk, but not easy to find the right person to talk to. You hurt so much, because you have loved and still loves Cassi so very much! And that is the worst pain ever!!! Maybe you could start writing letters to Cassi, just one letter everyday? Pour your heart out in her letters, because I truly believe that Cassi will know about each word you write down, and each emotion you feel while you write. This will definitely help you.
Lots of gentle hugs!!! xxx
I am so sorry you are going through such pain right now. Knowing that it will pass doesn't make the pain a whole lot easier. I can sure relate to your husband getting angry. Joe does that too. I know how it feels when you are so sad and the person who should be supporting you seems to be mad at you. In truth he is probably mad at himself because he can't fix it. For some reason, some men just don't get it that we don't need fixin'. For me anyway, a shoulder to cry on is all I am asking for - unfortunately, when I am that low I can't even ask for it!
After almost 7 years, I still get into periods of depression, my black hole. Joe is getting better but he still asks me "What's the matter?" Heck, after seven years you'd think he'd know! I have asked him why he is angry. He tells me he isn't angry and I just remind him that he sounds mad. The fact is, med do grieve differently and it hurts them to see the one they love in pain.
I don't think my black hole isn't as deep as yours so I think your husband is frightened as well as frustrated with himself. I wish I had the answers Gina. I just hope and pray that you and your husband are able to find a way to weather the storms.
Wishing you love and peace. Tight hugs, M
i'm so sorry. i agree with Andelene, if your body is craving rest and being alone for now, you should do that. sending gentle healing hugs your way.
Sending the biggest hug your way. Love you and I so understand! Vicki
So sorry for your pain we all know too well. In the beginning of my journey I was jealous of the moms with husbands, thinking that it would be helpful to have someone to hold and comfort me. Through the years I've realized from reading journals there might be a benefit to not being married. You've been given 2 suggestions that I totally agree with - cocoon when you need to and write to Cassi. Since the very beginning I've written private hard copy journals to Doug and it really has helped to vent, I'll tell you there are many tear stained pages. Another thing I would suggest is to try if you can to find any minuscule thing to distract or nurture yourself. I used to zone out playing Bejeweled Blitz on Facebook. In time I was able to do little things for myself - bubble bath, ice cream, candles, wine, reading... Whatever. Sometime I need to remind myself of that. Hoping you can find some peace. ((hugs))
Sorry your so down. Seems to be going around. 6 1/2 years and I am like you feel it just happened. It's so hard to make oneself to do anything...when I first got on this site everyone seemed to say you learn to live a new normal...I never liked the phrase....but I am not sure when that New Normal is suppose to happen...I don't want a New Normal, I just want my old life back,my son back....I just want to get in the care and go visit him....I was out in the middle of the night taking pictures of the moon...I always look at the clouds and sky hoping to see him but it doesn't happen...If I could help you in any way I would...It seems I don't know how to help anyone. I have lost all my friends because I can't deal with they just don't understand and the things they have said has hurt more than having them around. One friend said go walk my dog...I love my dog////but Ken is always on my mind, in my head in my heart...that is what they don't understand and if I am around friends that I did have, they just say wish you were like you used to be. I want them to understand I will never be the same my heat is broke, I am broken...I will never be who I was, but no one wants to hear it...I understand they don't want to deal with any pain...its not that I talk about it all the time, but probably a lot more than I realize, but they want it like it was before Ken passed....It can't be ....I guess the light in my eyes don't shine anymore. My thoughts are with you....We do the best we can....
Gina do you and your husband have a professional to talk to. Someone may help the both of you. Your husband needs coping skills as do you. He needs to grieve and learn how to help you not hinder. You need skills to get through each day without beating yourself up. I think it would be wise to look into this. It is for you and Cassi would not want you to be in so much pain.
Tight hugs
Penny