Outside
Cassi Was Always Introducing Me To New Television Series That I Would Have Never, Ever Watched On My Own...Shipping Wars?? Dog The Bounty Hunter??? One Look At Dog And Beth Told Me All I Needed To Know...But...Cassi Told Me They Were Kind, Always Trying To Help People, Give Them A Chance...So I Did, And She Was Right...And Now I Love Them. Go FigureAnother Show I Would Never, Ever Have Watched On My On Was Jersey Shore...Jersey Shore Man...All I Knew About It Was The Hype...The Tan Guidos, The Partying, Endless Drama, No Thanks. But...Again, Cassi Loved It. Bought Clothing, Posters, Jersey Shore, Jersey Shore...She Loved Snookie!!! Really?!?! So I Had To Check It Out...And, I Am Embarrassed To Admit, I Loved It. Once You Got Past All The Posing And Partying And Got To The Real Personalities Of Those Kids...Well, I Fell In Love With Them...Most Of The Anyway. So Much So, That On The Last Show Of The Last Season I Cried. To Make It Last, I Watched The Spin-Off...Snookie And J-Wow.Snookie Had Her Baby...Leaving The Hospital She Told Her Baby, "This Is Called Outside"...Wow...Certainly No Mensa Candidates. Outside, Outside, Outside...Why Does That Word Stick In My Mind And Stab My Heart???Outside...Fucking Outside.Okay...Here Goes...Cassi Went Out Into Her Back Yard To Shoot Herself. We Never Knew Why...No Letter, Still Can't Ger Her Cell Phone...Only Speculation, Which I Kept To Myself, Buried Deep Inside. I Have Never Put Words To It, To Another Person, Not Even Myself...I Pushed It Away As Long As I Could. Yesterday Was "As Long As I Could".I Have Been Told By Two Different People That They Had Dreams Of Cassi And That She Had Relayed The Information That She Didn't Mean To Do It. So, Maybe She Didn't, Right??? With Her Past Suicidal Gestures...Maybe She Wanted To Get Caught. Maybe She Didn't Understand How A Tiny Movement On A Cocked Gun Can Engage The Ammo...Just Saying...What If She Meant To Be Found With The Gun, After Taking All Her Medication...Possibly A Call For Help???Or Not. Yesterday A Friend Of Hers Told Me That She Had Stated She Would Do "It" Outside So No One Would Have To Clean Up After Her. She Was Very Thoughtful That Way...It's Something She Would Say. Near The End She Was Keeping So Many Secrets From Me. Her Friends Were Keeping Her Secrets From Me. They Didn't Want To Face Her Wrath By Narc-Ing Her Out. Also, She Had Talked About "It" So Much, For So Long, No One Knew If She Was Truly Serious Or Not. She Was Very Good At Convincing You She Wasn't Serious, On Making You Feel Like You Were Over-Reacting. She Truly Did Not Want To Face One Of My "Over-Reactions"...Her Friends Only Came To Me When They Were Really Scared...That Day, I Guess None Of Them Were Really Scared.She Shot Herself Outside So No One Would Have To Clean Up The Mess. She Shot Herself Outside So No One Would Have To Clean Up The Mess. SHE SHOT HERSELF OUTSIDE SO NO ONE WOULD HAVE TO CLEAN UP. How Fucking Thoughtful Of Her.
Replies
Nobody really knows, why someone\'s brain tells them to committ suicide. At least, that is what I think. To escape terrible pain, maybe listening to the voices in their brain, if they have mental issues, a chemical imbalance in the brain,\" the list of maybe\" goes on and on.
My mother committed suicide, when I was only 19 yrs. old. No note, no warning, just one day she was gone. Took too many pills and my dad found her whan he came home for lunch. I am 67 yrs. old now aqnd still have no idea why, other than she suffered with depression.
I am so sorry, that you lost your daughter that way. Just believe that she is now at peace and you will see her again...
((((HUGS))))....Julia
That\'s right, Gina, how fucking thoughtful of her.
Be angry. And stop listening to assholes who bring your daughter to YOU in their \"dreams\". Your daughter WILL COME TO YOU WHEN YOU ARE READY AND GOD ALLOWS. It\'s happened five times for me in the past three years, and no I was not hallucinating.
OK: we lost our daughters the same way so I can say this to you and you can receive it knowing my heart is broken into the exact millions of pieces as your heart; SHE (both of them) HAD SOME FUCKING NERVE TO DO THIS TO ME, HER MOTHER, THE PERSON WHO LOVED HER AND WHO WOULD HAVE TAKEN THAT BULLET FOR HER IN A HEARTBEAT.
Go ahead Gina. SHOUT IT OUT, STICK YOUR HEAD OUT THE WINDOW AND SHOUT IT OUT. Normal. Healthy. Let\'s say our daughters had stolen a piece of jewelry and cashed it in to do something we both would have hated, whatever that is: WOULD WE BE ANGRY DAMN RIGHT. would we have the right to BE ANGRY, DAMN RIGHT. I would sometimes tell April, \"I might not always LIKE what you do, but I will NEVER stop loving you.\" I even said a few times (knowing full well she was incapable of this but just to drive the point home) \"You could go out and shoot a dozen people, I will be by your side no matter what.\"
I hear you. I feel you. Been there, every day I go there: how dare she do this, no one has the right to harm another human in a way that can never be remedied, no one. And then I remember something: I am not mentally ill, I would not shoot myself because someone IS going to find me, people (many people, most of whom I don\'t even know) are going to be affected for their entire lives; I will do harm. I am not willing to do harm.
The difference between mental health and mental illness is the total inability, for that hour, for that minute, to feel any empathy. You can be angry. She knows you still love her Gina.
I am so glad you are thinking about some of the good stuff too.
It is possible that Cassi really did not plan on really using the gun. Perhaps she was waiting for someone to come and find her. The really sad part is that you may never know.
I can\'t imagine the overwhelming emotions you must be feeling. So if you feel like screaming, scream. If you feel like crying cry. Do whatever you need to do to release the emotional pressure that builds up inside. I had times when I cursed like a sailor at the top of my lungs. I live in a condo - I wonder if the neigbours heard me. It didn\'t make me feel much better but it released some of the tension.
I like hearing about Cassi. How cool that she introduced to TV shows that you never thought you would like!
Be kind to yourself.
Love and hugs,
Marlene
I feel so bad over your daughter and you all the sufferinng. all the won dering why??? I just know someone so young to have the guts to take a gun and kill herself. I read about suicdes with young people in the paper and I think these kids are just so deepley depressed and probley have thought of harming them sellfs for years . Did,nt your daughter also cut herself??? It is no ones fault, She just was not happy and wanted out. She did it her way. Her mind was made up. she just could,nt take her life no more. But this is how she felt it had nothing to do with anyone just herself. and what she was feeling deep inside . I don,t think at the moment she took her life she was thinking about anyone or anything. It is sad but so many kids today are taking their lives. And it is such a shock to the parents and friends. I had a girfriend and every time we did something together she always seemed up and happy, and she had a great mom and dad a good student , When I got home from school that day My mom told me me Judy had killed herself I was in shock . I told my mom \"she was so happy all the time and she never talked about killing herself. I think for years my friends and mom talked about her. why ,why why. I don,t think we ever figured it out. I,am so sorry you are going through such a horrible time right now Cassie knew you loved her and she loved you. She was just not happy and wanted to just stop her pain. Bless this very special angel Cassie. hugs and Love Mary Ann
Just hugging you tight as you process this leg of the journey.
Peacel