out there in the world

I went to work today and came home. Did an errand to the post office - sent out

all my christmas cards - except for two. I came back to the apartment. It

was raining 'cats and dogs', a rarity for Los Angeles. I found myself with the candles lit

in my living room and was 'kind of at home', keeping warm and safe. It gets very sketchy and slick

on the roads here when it rains, as a consequence of it hardly every raining. I didn't know what to do 

with myself but then

I decided to get 'out there' in the world. So once it stopped raining, I decided to go out and go

shopping for Christmas presents. Got two of them and then I got some gelato.

I don't know why it is, or maybe what sense to make of it yet, but I find myself resigned to my illness and what the interactions dynamic is at work. That's probably good - because I know how to stick with it.

Some good moments - some not good moments - and I keep going because of those good moments

for sure. I came home and I found myself unable to think of what to do with myself. I finally thought

how enabled I have been to be a 'shut in' by my laptop and my Iphone and television. 

They tend to make me feel like I am doing something - when in fact I was doing nothing - not having in person contact.

So I kind of pulled up my gumption and defied my enablers (hehe) and went out shopping.

Then once at the shop I spent a good long time looking around. For some reason the ladies who worked there,

kind of, were a little 'off' - a lot different, from the people I work with - and the friends I have online. I know that must

sound crackers. I didn't think of it so much at first- but then I went to the gelato shop - and the girls there were also really

flippant. I guess I can't let my filter be 'all about it being perfect' out there - I guess I was hoping my venture 'out in the world' - with real contact - would have resulted better. In retrospect it wasn't so bad. 

I guess I have to keep things better rationalized - these were not significant relationships - and though I wish I could

finally have some (significant relationships in person) - not everyone's the same and I guess it's necessary for me to wait for those 'good moments'. :) I can do that - and some days, like today, I let off moments get to me.

Just getting used to being back home now :).