Out of Touch With Life

Hi Fred:
You know, a few days ago I thought I was well on the way to recovery.  Then it hit me that I felt good only because I was refusing to think about Nick.  I also realized that whenever I think about him really being dead I just cannot relate to that.  He was so very alive.  Somehow this has still got to be just a huge nightmare.  I'll wake up and find he is still beside me.  Someone that full of life and having so much to offer the world really can't be gone.  When I truly think of it, it causes so much pain and panic that I am afraid of where it will take me.  I think that is why I am avoiding the issue.  If I ever do really deal with this I do not know if I will make it through or not.
That is why I keep busy.  I keep busy shopping, browsing, having lunch with who ever I can track down, invite people over for drinks & snacks, accept invitations to do things with others and take trips to Fort Hall and Jack Pot.  NOTHING I do ever feels whole.  Everything I do feels flat and empty. I feel so out of touch with life.  I do not feel I fit in anywhere or with anyone.  I am hoping that if I keep running away fast enough, reality won't catch me until I am strong enough to handle it.
I will continue to put on my "game face" and will continue to do things..... just going through the motions.... as someone put it.  Maybe someday things will seem to have true meaning again.  I hope so.
Good night Fred.
Darlene    o7/24/11