Out of the fog

Wow.  In five days it will be five months since Tom died.  I can't believe I'm still breathing.  I force myself to get up everyday and keep going for my kids.  Everyone keeps telling me that I'm so strong and I'm doing so well.  Well, I'm not.  I think a strong person is someone who does something even if they don't have to.  I have to do this.  I have no choice.  I can't watch my kids suffer.  I have to be their beacon.  I miss Tom so much.  I would do anything to listen to one of his boring rants about the government right now.  
I feel like I'm crawling out of a fog.  I'm taking care of the legal matters that I need to attend to.  I've changed the names on our bank account(another painful time).  I'm getting the house cleaned (Ok, just the living room).  I'm looking like a normal person again with my hair combed and my makeup on.  I still have no idea where my life is going.  I still feel exhausted.  I still feel despair.  
But I now feel like one day I will be happy.  And that's something I never thought I would believe again.  I have no idea when that happy time will come.  Not anytime soon.  My friends took me out to dinner.  Actually they abducted me and wouldn't take no for an answer.  I actually laughed and had a good time.  I know Tom wants me to be happy.  I want to make him proud.