Our story
The summer of 98 I discovered email exchange between W and OM. I confronted W at that time and we discussed it and dismissed it as being a mistake and W stopped it. Hind sight being 20/20 what I would have done differently. Since then I have questioned from time to time some friendships and actions. This causes W to be uncomfortable and angry with the questions and looking over her shoulder. I admit I did look at her phone and messaages just to check up on her. Snooping.
December 2010 I was wrapping Christmas gifts for the kids in the garage and I walked in the house where she was supposed to be wrapping gifts in our computer room. She was on the computer (Facebook) and when I walked in the room to ask her a question she couldn't minimize the screen fast enough. I asked her why she did that and she said she was chatting with a person and waas telling them what my gifts were at that time. The look on her face was telling me otherwise. She continued talking to this guy for months on facebook, text, phone a few times also. All after I would leave for work at night. W would tell me she was helping him through a bad time (divorce) and was just being a sound board. I never found anything suggesting a physical but I do know she shared information about us. I requested many times for her stop this contact as I believe Opposite sex friends shouldn't share this information especially when one is getting a divorce. She constantly tells me how she has always been better friends with guys than girls. I would believe this but we have been friends since high school and been together for 22 years. Although we didn't attend the same school I don't recall any of her best friends then being guys nor did she talk about any. We always did things with 2 or 3 best friends which were all girls.
DDay 11/15/11 I discovered some pictures W exchanged with a different OM and I confronted her with this information. W told me she didn't know what she was doing and she was operating in a fog. I asked her who the OM was she told me I didn't know him and she worked with him years ago but he has moved on to another employer. Come to find out I did know him! He is the husband of a co-worker of W. They actually work together often (that is my CS and the wife of the OM). I feel she felt bad only because she got caught and is afraid the OM wife may find out. It could get ugly at work!! She did stop the contact with the OM. Once again we didn't pursue counselling at the time and I think we both were in denial. When I asked he how long this had been going on she said only a few months and nothing physical. As for the pics I found they were of his (JUNK) and she replied back with pic of her boob. W told me she didn't know what to do when he sent his pic she was confused. My response was delete it and end it right then. W made the choice to reply back with her own pic.
I became hypervigilante in watching who she was contacting through her cell phone calls and texts emails.
09/2012 I noticed her contacting another co worker which is male after I left for work many nights. (I work 3rd shift.) W contends they are just friends. I feel that right now it may only be a just friends thing but for me all the red flags are there. Once again she is just there for him to help him through a rough time divorce. Once again W tells me "I have always been better friends with guys." I don't buy it. I don't know excactly what she has told this but I feel she is telling him about how unhappy she is and I am sure all the things I continually do wrong.
One thing I am 100% positive of is that she hasn't told him her past. Being a CS. I specifically asked her if she shared this little nugget of information and she said no. Of course why would she tell him this, then she would probably be viwed differently by OM. This still going on and she doesn't feel I should worry about it. W told me a few months ago I just have to trust her! And that there may come a time that this OM may need her to meet him just to help him through a rough spot. She would never do anything with him or go any where alone with him. My response was simply NO. I would have a problem a with that and I will never conceed that this is acceptable action of a married woman. What an unfair request.
I have listened to her requests of me and I am honestly trying to change to be a better husband and father based on these requests. I cook dinner nearly every night. W hates to cook and hates even more trying to figure out what to make. I don't help with house work. I now make it a point to dust, vacuum, put clothes away, and various other projects. I do back slide and tell her I am sorry for slacking some days. I feel to fix me I need her to help me.
W told me two weekends ago that she doesn't have feelings for me and some days she is ready to go if it weren't for the thought of not waking up with our kids in the same house every morning.
It is hard to stay comitted to doing the tasks when I feel like I am fighting to slavage our marriage alone.
I have went so far as printing out information on emotional affairs. We started couples marriage counselling but at the begining of the year our insurance changed and we could not afford to stay with the counsellor and stopped. I have expressed to her that I would like start back up again but she doesn't want to go because she doesn't want to go to a place that makes her feel like she is the bad person. W is very angry toward me because I have not met her needs like she wanted me to. We are both bad communicators as we have came to find out. I do have a habit of not following through on committments. I am working to fix those issues. I do admit I have became complacent, and unwilling to change in the past but I need her help to over come these. When I ask her for feedback all I get is I don't know I have to fix me. I am losing my will to try and change. I get angry and just want to give up.
While she can't give me feedback she can call and text this latest guy friend for hours into the night making it hard for her wake up in the mornings for work.
As of now I am focused on fixing our marriage. I feel we can work this out.
December 2010 I was wrapping Christmas gifts for the kids in the garage and I walked in the house where she was supposed to be wrapping gifts in our computer room. She was on the computer (Facebook) and when I walked in the room to ask her a question she couldn't minimize the screen fast enough. I asked her why she did that and she said she was chatting with a person and waas telling them what my gifts were at that time. The look on her face was telling me otherwise. She continued talking to this guy for months on facebook, text, phone a few times also. All after I would leave for work at night. W would tell me she was helping him through a bad time (divorce) and was just being a sound board. I never found anything suggesting a physical but I do know she shared information about us. I requested many times for her stop this contact as I believe Opposite sex friends shouldn't share this information especially when one is getting a divorce. She constantly tells me how she has always been better friends with guys than girls. I would believe this but we have been friends since high school and been together for 22 years. Although we didn't attend the same school I don't recall any of her best friends then being guys nor did she talk about any. We always did things with 2 or 3 best friends which were all girls.
DDay 11/15/11 I discovered some pictures W exchanged with a different OM and I confronted her with this information. W told me she didn't know what she was doing and she was operating in a fog. I asked her who the OM was she told me I didn't know him and she worked with him years ago but he has moved on to another employer. Come to find out I did know him! He is the husband of a co-worker of W. They actually work together often (that is my CS and the wife of the OM). I feel she felt bad only because she got caught and is afraid the OM wife may find out. It could get ugly at work!! She did stop the contact with the OM. Once again we didn't pursue counselling at the time and I think we both were in denial. When I asked he how long this had been going on she said only a few months and nothing physical. As for the pics I found they were of his (JUNK) and she replied back with pic of her boob. W told me she didn't know what to do when he sent his pic she was confused. My response was delete it and end it right then. W made the choice to reply back with her own pic.
I became hypervigilante in watching who she was contacting through her cell phone calls and texts emails.
09/2012 I noticed her contacting another co worker which is male after I left for work many nights. (I work 3rd shift.) W contends they are just friends. I feel that right now it may only be a just friends thing but for me all the red flags are there. Once again she is just there for him to help him through a rough time divorce. Once again W tells me "I have always been better friends with guys." I don't buy it. I don't know excactly what she has told this but I feel she is telling him about how unhappy she is and I am sure all the things I continually do wrong.
One thing I am 100% positive of is that she hasn't told him her past. Being a CS. I specifically asked her if she shared this little nugget of information and she said no. Of course why would she tell him this, then she would probably be viwed differently by OM. This still going on and she doesn't feel I should worry about it. W told me a few months ago I just have to trust her! And that there may come a time that this OM may need her to meet him just to help him through a rough spot. She would never do anything with him or go any where alone with him. My response was simply NO. I would have a problem a with that and I will never conceed that this is acceptable action of a married woman. What an unfair request.
I have listened to her requests of me and I am honestly trying to change to be a better husband and father based on these requests. I cook dinner nearly every night. W hates to cook and hates even more trying to figure out what to make. I don't help with house work. I now make it a point to dust, vacuum, put clothes away, and various other projects. I do back slide and tell her I am sorry for slacking some days. I feel to fix me I need her to help me.
W told me two weekends ago that she doesn't have feelings for me and some days she is ready to go if it weren't for the thought of not waking up with our kids in the same house every morning.
It is hard to stay comitted to doing the tasks when I feel like I am fighting to slavage our marriage alone.
I have went so far as printing out information on emotional affairs. We started couples marriage counselling but at the begining of the year our insurance changed and we could not afford to stay with the counsellor and stopped. I have expressed to her that I would like start back up again but she doesn't want to go because she doesn't want to go to a place that makes her feel like she is the bad person. W is very angry toward me because I have not met her needs like she wanted me to. We are both bad communicators as we have came to find out. I do have a habit of not following through on committments. I am working to fix those issues. I do admit I have became complacent, and unwilling to change in the past but I need her help to over come these. When I ask her for feedback all I get is I don't know I have to fix me. I am losing my will to try and change. I get angry and just want to give up.
While she can't give me feedback she can call and text this latest guy friend for hours into the night making it hard for her wake up in the mornings for work.
As of now I am focused on fixing our marriage. I feel we can work this out.
Replies
I would quit asking her for feedback on what you are doing. Do the thing where you make a list of her pet peeves and things you think she wants you to do. If it wouldn\'t change your core person to do them, then do them quietly and don\'t talk about it or ask questions. Meanwhile, spend lots of time with the kids. Do stuff like take them to the park with friends, going to playgrounds, movies, whatever. Take the wife sometimes and other times just do \'daddy time\'. Anything you do without her will make you more interesting and make her feel like you aren\'t hovering. She\'s going to keep up the Facebooking & having close guy friends of the other sex. The question is whether she keeps it platonic and keeps boundaries. You can\'t chore your way into her being faithful or staying in love in the marriage. As much as it sucks when you\'re married to have to do it, treat it like you\'re dating. Make sure you are always dressed well, have on cologne, read up on how to talk on dates (talking about dreams, travel plans, favorite movie lines, etc., etc.). That\'s the kind of stuff that would rekindle a romance. The chores can actually hurt you because (1) women don\'t respect guys who are helpful and do what they are asked and (2) it puts her in the role of checking to see where you\'ve failed. Doing the chores helps but only if you do them quietly and don\'t seek feedback.
I have began to feel even more disrespected since I started doing more around the house. I will list out and rank the importance. Yes I found out that she def doesnt want me point out what I have done. Even if I ask for postive feedback!! Some how it turns into me seeking her appoval.
As for talking to her opposite sex friend I am thinking its getting more involved. My gut tells me its not gonna be getting better anytime soon!! I almost think she has began a NC with me! In the same house this is hard. You are so right I am not gonna be able to chore or please her by fixing the flaws she sees in me back into my arms for now!
Thank you for the help and suppport!
:( It sounds like you\'re really trying and it makes me so sad for you that it seems as though she\'s really not. You can only do so much. If you just work on yourself and make sure that you\'re happy she may come around when she remembers what a great person you are and if she doesn\'t well then it\'s her loss (I realize it\'s yours as well but no one deserves to be marginalized in their own marriage). At least if you work on yourself when (or if) you move on you\'ll be happy and doing things you love in life. Don\'t try to change who you are as a person for her.
I\'m sure you realize all these assertions of getting along better with men are garbage. She can\'t say that she cannot find a single female friend and she\'s obviously crossing the line huge with these \"guy friends\". You\'re so right about her requests being unfair. Anyways, I read this and just felt sad for you. Sad that she\'s playing these shitty games. I hope things get better soon.
Thanks for the kind words OuchMy Heart. There is always two sides of the story and I am slowly getting hers. It is sad that a person who promised to share their life with you can be so blinded by the notion that just giving up and turning to another will make it all better. I have no intenetion of changing the personal values I have. It is a struggle we as the BS have to realize that no amount of hurt imposed on us by the CS could ever be returned.
As for the male friends she has I feel she is not giving them all the information only what she feels will make them boost her own ego. Deep down I know my W is a good person that made some bad choices. Some day she will wake up and look in the mirror realizing she not only betrayed me but our children and all those around her! I know no matter what this will make me a stronger better man.
Good luck to you and your family.