Our Pasts

10 years before I met Jeff, I moved back to my rural KS hometown of 600 people to raise my boys. I had been married, divorced and wanted to be close to my family. I knew I would make sacrifices by moving back but it was something I had to do for my kids.
I didn't date much either while I was raising my boys. I focused on them and knew that when they got older, I could find a mate if I was meant to. In the meantime, I was on the school board, church council boards, organized community fundraisers, etc. My house had a dozen little boys running in and out of the house on any given weekend. Video games, pizza, laughter, were the things that drove me! I was doing what I was meant to do.
As the boys got a little older, a friend encouraged me to look online and at least find friends to talk to. If I was going to be home, working on my computer, couldn't I chat with someone? So, I surfed the internet and something brought me to a site called Singlesnet.com. Not sure why I was led to this one, why not Eharmony? But it was there that Jeff found me. We began sending emails back and forth and I zknew I had found a friend. He lived about an hour from me ( although he didn't know where I lived. I didn't put it on the site.) It was so comfortable and within a couple of weeks, we finally met and 30 days later were engaged. I knew God had led him to me and it was right. We didn't marry for another year. He accepted my boys as his own sons and brought so much to our family that they had missed out on by having a father figure around.
Throughout our short 3 1/2 years being married, Jeff's health issues caused struggles for our marriage, his job, his mental state. But he knew that I was in this for US and FOREVER. Never would I have thought that we wouldn't have had years to grow old together, to travel and see all of the places we'd talked about.
Funny, looking back on our last few weeks together.......Jeff sometimes would tell me that he wanted me to promise him that if he didn't come home from his heart procedure, that I would move on and be happy. Sometimes we'd see an old HS boyfriend of mine who still lives in town and Jeff would say, you and he can get back together when I'm gone. That would be okay by me.....I would just roll my eyes and tell him to shut up! The last week before Jeff died, he told me he'd been dreaming of his brother Mark, who had died a couple of years ago from a heart attack. He'd tell me that Mark needed him. And the night before he went to the hospital, Jeff asked me, ....so, will you be mad at me when I don't come home? I think I need to be with Mark. And I told him that Mark would just have to wait because I wasn't done with him yet. I guess Mark won.
Our pasts. How do I ever come to terms that Jeff is my past and not the future we had planned? Do I really have to plan my days without him? I know people say he'll always be a part of me. But, only a part of my past. Not my future. And what if I don't want a future without him? Does that mean I choose to live in the past? But I can't do that and continue to live my life for my boys, which is an even larger promise than I ever made to Jeff or anyone else in my life.
My past......I love my past. My future.....I am scared. I am anxious. I know that my future will be as good as I make it. And I know that to honor Jeff and the past that we had, I have to make my future the BEST it can possibly be. I have to build the business we started, take care of my boys and his daughters and their families the way Jeff would have. I have to travel and see the places we dreamed of going. And most of all, I have to be happy. I guess my big question is ....HOW?

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

Just like you did after your divorce....one day at a time and getting involved in community etc. You\'ll be OK. You are stonger then you know but if you look back at what you just wrote you\'ll see that you already went thru this in different perspective (wanting to have ex out of your life vs. wanting Jeff back in you life). Thank God you have your family and boys to love and support you. Hugs, D