Our lives are not the same - they are changing.
Since our loved ones have died - for me it was my my late-husband nick named Smokey, our lives have been changed dramatically. They are not the same. They will never be the same again. They have to change. They are changing. At first, it is in small increments. As the healing takes over, you can see the changes more and more in your life. It is not what we asked for nor wanted but it is what it is now for us. We have to eventually accept the changes, adapt, improve and improvise.
In 2010, I never thought I would make it through the year. I thought I would die along the way. It is 2011 and I am alive and well. I have adapted, improved where I could and improvised where I could. It is a new life for me without Smokey in it to share it with me as I had dreamed. I am a widowed woman dating a younger guy named Dave. It has been five months now and so far so good. Dave doesn't seem younger to me. Dave seems like he is right where I am. It is a good thing. Before Smokey I dated another Dave who was ten years younger than compared to myself. I could see the difference. We were not on the same wave length at all. The Dave I am dating now, we seem to make a pretty good team.
I don't know what I want to say but have a need to ramble a wee bit. This morning I felt alone in my apartment. This morning I felt nothing seems to be working out the way that i wanted it to for myself. This morning I felt the burden of being unemployed. This morning I looked at everything in my life with questions about each and every thing. Has anyone felt like this?
Last Thursday my friend Carol Simonson and I did a test about our relationships: the past two relationships and the current relationship. You had to write down the bad points about each one of them. I started to see a common theme through doing this exercise. Between my ex-husband who had many problems besides the ones I am going to mention, my dearly departed & deceased love of my life Smokey and my current boyfriend Dave, these are the six negative things about them:
1. They are non-church goers - I attend church
2. They are controllers to a small degree but my ex was a controller to the nth degree
3. They love to drink beer and wine but my ex was an alcoholic
4. They swear
5. They smoke but Smokey quit when his daughter was born
6. If they have too much alcohol, their libido is lowered way down.
Apparently I can live with a man that has all six negative traits in them. I know both Smokey and Dave have many more positive traits. I listed at least 53 positive traits about Dave and Smokey shared most of the same ones. I never made the same positive list about my ex-husband since we are divorced. I find it kind of interesting. Carol Simonson did the same thing and there were common traits amongst her three men as well. It is real eye opener that is for sure. Carol got this from visiting a psychic. I don't believe in psychics but Carol does. I did like the exercise but it was hard to do. I had to think about it after I actually did the test.
It makes me thing what am I doing wrong? There must be something innately wrong about myself for choosing men with the same negative traits. How can a person change this about themselves? I have no idea. I know I was raised with a very controlling mother. I believe there was some kind of problem in the family that no one talked about. I know dating Gary, my ex-husband, was to throw it in my mom's face. I was rebelling against my mom at that time in my life. I can't still be rebelling against my mom as she has departed this planet in 1989. It is a psychological issue that is for sure but not enough to get me to visit anyone like a therapist or a psychologist. We are all screwed up one way or another.
These are my thoughts, needing to vent, my frustrations and my own opinions which not everyone is going to agree with me but that is okay. We have our own unique opinions. From Diane Baillie
In 2010, I never thought I would make it through the year. I thought I would die along the way. It is 2011 and I am alive and well. I have adapted, improved where I could and improvised where I could. It is a new life for me without Smokey in it to share it with me as I had dreamed. I am a widowed woman dating a younger guy named Dave. It has been five months now and so far so good. Dave doesn't seem younger to me. Dave seems like he is right where I am. It is a good thing. Before Smokey I dated another Dave who was ten years younger than compared to myself. I could see the difference. We were not on the same wave length at all. The Dave I am dating now, we seem to make a pretty good team.
I don't know what I want to say but have a need to ramble a wee bit. This morning I felt alone in my apartment. This morning I felt nothing seems to be working out the way that i wanted it to for myself. This morning I felt the burden of being unemployed. This morning I looked at everything in my life with questions about each and every thing. Has anyone felt like this?
Last Thursday my friend Carol Simonson and I did a test about our relationships: the past two relationships and the current relationship. You had to write down the bad points about each one of them. I started to see a common theme through doing this exercise. Between my ex-husband who had many problems besides the ones I am going to mention, my dearly departed & deceased love of my life Smokey and my current boyfriend Dave, these are the six negative things about them:
1. They are non-church goers - I attend church
2. They are controllers to a small degree but my ex was a controller to the nth degree
3. They love to drink beer and wine but my ex was an alcoholic
4. They swear
5. They smoke but Smokey quit when his daughter was born
6. If they have too much alcohol, their libido is lowered way down.
Apparently I can live with a man that has all six negative traits in them. I know both Smokey and Dave have many more positive traits. I listed at least 53 positive traits about Dave and Smokey shared most of the same ones. I never made the same positive list about my ex-husband since we are divorced. I find it kind of interesting. Carol Simonson did the same thing and there were common traits amongst her three men as well. It is real eye opener that is for sure. Carol got this from visiting a psychic. I don't believe in psychics but Carol does. I did like the exercise but it was hard to do. I had to think about it after I actually did the test.
It makes me thing what am I doing wrong? There must be something innately wrong about myself for choosing men with the same negative traits. How can a person change this about themselves? I have no idea. I know I was raised with a very controlling mother. I believe there was some kind of problem in the family that no one talked about. I know dating Gary, my ex-husband, was to throw it in my mom's face. I was rebelling against my mom at that time in my life. I can't still be rebelling against my mom as she has departed this planet in 1989. It is a psychological issue that is for sure but not enough to get me to visit anyone like a therapist or a psychologist. We are all screwed up one way or another.
These are my thoughts, needing to vent, my frustrations and my own opinions which not everyone is going to agree with me but that is okay. We have our own unique opinions. From Diane Baillie
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