Others’ experience
I'm starting to question other people's experience of me and how I'm effecting them. Im also starting to consider their experience in general. I know I question a whole heck of a lot, perhaps to find my truth and presence of mind. I think I have to start putting myself in the shoes of my therapist, my parents and my friends and family.
I can get lost sometimes when in unfamiliar territory not knowing what is expected of me and feeling like an utter blank slate both then and when I wake up sometimes, and my cure for that may be just asking 'what do I need to do today?' And then 'keep on keeping on'
Im starting to see agency in the process of choosing what I do with those feelings when I don't know what to do or where I fit in.
Things are good. I'm grateful. I'm not able to light a candle right now but in my mind's eye I am lighting one for all of you and saying prayers. Happy holidays!!
Replies
Just came from lunch with an old friend, the best friend I’ve had and the longest lived one. We talked about a lot of things both joyous and fun as well as vexing and uncomfortable. In the end we accepted each other for who we are and left happy. Intensity like that can feel like I’ve gone through a meat grinder a little bit, but reading the above journal helped me feel resolved, to keep on keeping on. Protect myself and save money for my future in the face of life’s harshnesses and if the Elder doesn’t want me around then I’ll make another go of it somewhere else’.
My soul aches for more at times.
What I am asked to be in certain circumstances doesn’t always comfort me and I can’t not acknowledge that and let it become something crazy within me.
trying to imagine what other people see/feel in me has gotten me into even more trouble than the royal we. my current theory is 1) information unavailable. even if i ask, how does one summarize a complex relationship in a single statement? 2) my mind reading talents suck. i don't GET to see through your sensory perceptions or life experiences. i either take you at face value or i don't take you at all. i only get to have the puppet you who lives in my head.
but then enters the dichotomies. how do i know the impact i am having on the world around me?
sigh. . . think i'll just let the mystery be and take my best guess from reading the room.
<3 <3<3 happy Christmas Eve!