"Other"

Today I see my primary physician's assistant for help with my nausea and vomiting. Something that I may add to the list is this horrible heart burn that I experience many times each day. I am excited to see the doctor. I am down today. I don't exactly know why. There is something in me that wants to go to Crested Butte to see some friends, however, I do not want to run into Rachael Lacy. I have had too much hurt do far to now face some more.  I am pacing through life. I don't know what's next or what I am going to do. I know that I'll be going to school in the Spring and taking four classes, If I get through all of this I'll be overwhelmingly proud of myself.  I wish I had friends to back me up. I know I do, just not in my general area. I miss hgh school where we were all friends where time wasn't an issue and love and friendship was simply unconditional. So why has al of this changed? What changes personality... the core of an individual? In the past three years I have been blessed to meet so many new people and have so many great friendships, but as we grew older or moved on from college most of  separated from each other, because of different paths and destined future. This then draws into the question of life and how we live it. Why are we here? Are we here to make some change that with effect some but not as many in which a life is worth. I think the worth of a person is weighed by his loved ones. Have we given enough back to the society that has provided for us? Have we thanked our parents for all they have done to allow us to grow? We're different in every way, some can see this and have learned to embrace it. Others will never see past their own normality and thus they will alienate the "other." Who am I? I am the other in a couple people's minds.  I talked to my doctor again about suicide. I told her that I think about it often and I think about what what afterlife I would be subjected to if I were to choose to kill me rather than to die a natural death. It seems so appealing to me to end my life when I want to... when it feels right I can choose to let go, give in and give up. I don't want to give up but sometimes giving up can be a good thing. I better go since I have had time to lay things out a bit.  Goodnight Moon.