order

I think I have felt some impulse to create some uber sense of order about my life. 

Maybe call it a perspective of creating a fortress-like for myself, to be all

protected - blamelessness and self managed - taking care of everything well

and keeping my loved ones protected and cared for. Ownership perhaps.

I have been thinking recently about the way I deal with my appetites.

I've found myself more aware of my impulses and the strength with which

I can give priority to them or just cope with them in a smart - effective way.

I've found very much that I have a wonderfully predictable orderly life here at the monastery

and yet I am starting to turn that thought or idea on it's head - just a little bit -

for the pure health of it. 

All reverence for the structure and order in my life perhaps is not the way to go.

I've seen others with a great deal of generational wealth order their lives

to ineffectuality and a sense of inconfidence.

I find myself really respecting and holding fast to the order here at the monastery - but I

want and must get

out and do other things - do adventurous things - Perhaps I have been so miserly about examining

my experience and the ordering of it - as I am so variable that without

a concerted effort at cultivating my own garden - and keeping on top of my feelings and thoughts -

which without it yields

a kind of selflessness ultimately and a sense of loss and lack of agency. I guess it's the sense of loss

that comes with an unexamined life, a kind of vacuousnenss.

Anyways, things are good - I had heartbreaking day that turn from that painfulness of heartbreak 

to a somewhat relieved perspective (but damage done) because there was an explanation

as to why the incident that broke my heart occurred. Right now I am trying to deal with my end of day.

My cassock is in the wash - and I'll drip dry it overnight.

Have a good evening you guys!! : )