opening myself up
I realize I scrutinize things within my mind if you haven't noticed :( - this morning I was serving behind
the iconostasis - and I was fighting myself bigtime - it seemed that
my higher power - whenever I tried to come from a place of 'knowing'
my higher power wanted "MORE" - endlessly asking for more and more - and it was
darkness that descended. I decided to just give it all up to god.
I let him lead the dance - as Arfie has said - but I just no longer knew everything
I no longer thought I needed to know everything - it was a mix of knowing and unknowing -
seeing right in front of me - opening my eyes - and then after services and morning meal - I went
on my way to do chores - I drove into Frederick for an errand - and I found myself self scrutinizing again -
and "it's a real temptation to perfect myself in knowledge and wisdom"- but I realized to just let God in
and to keep open to the experience of life - I am living it right now - and though there is something in me
that leads me to knit wisdoms in my mind and attempt to be 'just so' or to 'perfect' - it's not gonna
happen anymore (fingers crossed)- I just really need to be open to the fact that life is happening right now
and I can notice things - and apply wisdoms - but the sheer experience of it is also getting a main place
at the table in front of me. I am realizing the crucialness of it - life is happening!
Replies
to understand myself and the world I live in I have had pick apart my experience - to reassure myself in the years and years of spending so much time alone - I have objectified and questioned my environment and myself to know what direction to move in - what choices to make for my home and environment....I recognize for sure that we all to do this to an extent and we all have to survive - and I was in such denial at a certain era in my life that I didn't always see this truth - others and all of us have to make sense of the world and ourselves to know how to navigate and negotiate our way in the world
of each other and our work and life circumstances. I have a great need in me I believe that I disassociate when alone and get lost in the ether because I don't have a natural benchmark to keep relating to life. I go 'off with the fairies' as an Australian friend once put it. I am learning though a better sense of direction. Like I said I am learning to give myself a healthy focus, one that is nourishing and nurturing
but also pragmatic when I need to be. The relationship I have with this monastery gets on my nerves a bit at times. There are 3 priests here and yet no one but me ever serves. The other two priests treat the rectory like a hotel - it's bad juju. The work for me isn't hard - it's just every day of the week - 3 x a day - and that bothers me a bit. Again it's not hard but I would like to wake when I am good and ready at times.
I will work it out. Again, I am seeing the commonality and the brotherhood of my fellow humans that we each have to sort through things like this - and then relate to each other. Sometimes I get lost in grace- sometimes my mind speeds up in a way that it's too fast for me to know my own inner narrative - but I am learning how to manage this stuff- and to also hold on to a reality that helps me survive. Peace everybody!
I realize I’m asking for something when I come moaning to you guys about life. Support, a raft and a respite while swimming the Great Lake of life, advice too in terms of what course of action I should take to remedy the situation. I am trying to do that myself now. Things here are ok but I’d like to have at least a couple of mornings when I’m not serving liturgy. That would mean waking up later than 415am. Nice. The other priests in the rectory hardly ever serve. They just hang out. They’re really wealthy. But that’s not my concern. I know I’ve got to create an agreement with the abbess. I’ve talked about getting a job which would mean a paycheck as well as more time in the outside world as well as an enriched experience. I don’t know though what’s available for someone like me but that’s not a perspective to hold onto. I’ll keep looking. I’ve got to persist and not just be self punishing or draconian in my efforts, it’s important to consider my experience too.
I know I’m seeking something that’s peaceful and rewarding and that can couch me and be productive and make me some money. I can’t write more but I know I’ve got it really good here at the monastery. There’s no nirvana
I’m really lucky things turned out like they did in my life considering all that’s happened. My days are slow meaningful, communal and productive. I with my mental health challenges am safe and cared for. I am grateful.
I’ll continue to look for work.
Big squishy hug sweetie
I'm sorry that you suffer the difficult dark times sweetie
I do think some of that may be related to your disorder
If I were you when you gdt a new pdoc I would ? consider discussing s prn med
I get that you don't want to change medication however sometimes that could mean just taking s little extra of what you're already on
I can do that with Seroquel if the need arises
I can take sn extra 50-75mg and there's times I do
It might help??
With regards to you being the only one conducting services
That isn't fair when other people can also do it
I would do as you suggested and tell the abbess you want 2 or 3 mornings off a week
I think that you always need to use your voice there as nothing ever seems to be offered
Big hug sweetie...xo
Hanks Jan!