Opening My Heart
I want this to be a warm and fuzzy post, a loving post filled with hope and light, but it won't come. It is bogged down under all of this shit that I have been trying to bury for the last three weeks or so. Needless to say, all the burying has not been conducive to my healing.
I am angry and resentful at the world. This is the part where I get up and tap dance across the stage singing out 'Poor me, poor me! I can't find anyone to love me in this world. I am destined to die all alone. WAHHH!!!' Nothing wrong with that, right? We have all been there, telling ourselves the same things when we know they aren't true.
We can change our world in a blink of an eye. I did it the moment I blocked his phone number for good, the moment I searched for 'emotional abuse forums', the moment I decided to get better. Then why is changing the rest of my life so hard?
I guess it is because this is the time the proof is in the pudding, so to speak. Actions are all I am about and I am scared. Downright shaking in my boots scared.
Scared I am going to take a leap of faith and flop. Scared I am going to wind up worse off than I was (I know this isn't true, I have more knowledge than I had before therefore it is impossible for me to wind up in the exact same situation or worse). I have to raise my standards. Change my life.
Wait a sec, I am changing my life.
Breathe.
Breathe.
Sometimes, I feel like I am at my wit's end with all of this, this whole situation, this mess I have gotten myself into and I just want to be better. (Snaps fingers). Like that!
I get frustrated sometimes that I am not changing fast enough, that the world around me isn't changing fast enough and I feel like I am on the verge of a mental breakdown.
I want so badly to be perfect and I am not. There I said it.
I am not perfect.
Whew!
I am going to let that one sink in for a while.
On the upside, it is beautiful here and I am gardening a lot and playing with my dog. It feels really good to connect to the earth. I am planting a garden full of fruit and vegetables (which should be a trip in my tiny backyard) to eat on warm summer nights, a glass of wine in hand. Sigh. I am planting roses too. Great, big giant roses that actually smell. Lavender and rosemary. Basil and Lemon Thyme. My version of country in the city, and hopefully a little slice of heaven just outside my backdoor.
Just writing that made me smile... The first time in days!!!
I am angry and resentful at the world. This is the part where I get up and tap dance across the stage singing out 'Poor me, poor me! I can't find anyone to love me in this world. I am destined to die all alone. WAHHH!!!' Nothing wrong with that, right? We have all been there, telling ourselves the same things when we know they aren't true.
We can change our world in a blink of an eye. I did it the moment I blocked his phone number for good, the moment I searched for 'emotional abuse forums', the moment I decided to get better. Then why is changing the rest of my life so hard?
I guess it is because this is the time the proof is in the pudding, so to speak. Actions are all I am about and I am scared. Downright shaking in my boots scared.
Scared I am going to take a leap of faith and flop. Scared I am going to wind up worse off than I was (I know this isn't true, I have more knowledge than I had before therefore it is impossible for me to wind up in the exact same situation or worse). I have to raise my standards. Change my life.
Wait a sec, I am changing my life.
Breathe.
Breathe.
Sometimes, I feel like I am at my wit's end with all of this, this whole situation, this mess I have gotten myself into and I just want to be better. (Snaps fingers). Like that!
I get frustrated sometimes that I am not changing fast enough, that the world around me isn't changing fast enough and I feel like I am on the verge of a mental breakdown.
I want so badly to be perfect and I am not. There I said it.
I am not perfect.
Whew!
I am going to let that one sink in for a while.
On the upside, it is beautiful here and I am gardening a lot and playing with my dog. It feels really good to connect to the earth. I am planting a garden full of fruit and vegetables (which should be a trip in my tiny backyard) to eat on warm summer nights, a glass of wine in hand. Sigh. I am planting roses too. Great, big giant roses that actually smell. Lavender and rosemary. Basil and Lemon Thyme. My version of country in the city, and hopefully a little slice of heaven just outside my backdoor.
Just writing that made me smile... The first time in days!!!
Replies
This is such a powerful and honest and raw journal entry... It really spoke to me today, too. I am also scared. Terrified that I will fail. Fail myself, fail my daughter, fail my family who have gone a long way to help me, fail friends who have done the same.
I\'m afraid that one more thing will get harder than it already is and I will just explode or implode.
.... Whoops. I don\'t want to derail your journal entry. The last two paragraphs made me smile as well!
Thank you, jennifersue. It means a lot to me. I think fear is the most difficult thing to face. I wish I could give you a hug!
Ditto. Consider hugs given and received. And thanks. Hope you enjoy a good night\'s sleep.