opened the vent.........watch out!
This journal is an actual vent with me playing the part of village idiot. Beware of over-the-top impatience, stupidity, entitlement and foolish nonsense on my part. I need to drop and give the sarge a ton of push-ups, run in the hard rain with a heavy pack on my back and clean the latrine with a toothbrush.......I do.
I am spending too much time with myself. How can I take a vacation from me?
Seriously, I need a break, a holiday.
I'm grouchy as all heck. Tired of my routine. Over my self.
Got to get away .......
Lord up above, don't laugh ...... I'm irritable and cranky and ticky ticky and kooky mad at the dumbest stuff. Where is the calm contented soothing place?
If there is a door I can walk through and grab a ticket, stand and wait for the perfect solution and relief I don't even wanna do that. I'm that crabby. I don't wanna be the 19th person in line today.
Is this a build up of being or becoming spoiled? Not sure, looked for an expiration date on the bottom of my left elbow and don't see a thing. What is the deal?
I've been having a general aggravation w/my mortgage company. It all started when I got a late notice in October. I had paid 3 weeks prior. They blamed my bank. My bank blamed them. Nice. Thanks everybody. Hate when everybody signs up to play the finger pointing game.
It ended up with a letter requesting an additional late fee. I disputed the fee. They removed it.
Now in between the bare bones facts of this aggravation there was a conversation or two with me standing my ground and talking some straight talk with them. (stuff like open your mail, go to various desks/in-boxes and see who is holding things up, get up from your chair and go look.........somebody is not doing their job.)
In the end I wondered if things have gotten so bad that they are now stalling payment processing at their end in order to whap people with late fees. Sad, but that's how ticky ticky I was feeling by then.
I am aware that ticky ticky is an irritating phrase, I feel like a horse with a big burr under my saddle.
In early November I dispatched my December payment even earlier. I thought let's fix this by giving them plenty of time to do their HOMEWORK. As of yesterday they still say they do not have the payment I dispatched via my bank two days shy of 30 days ago. Prior to September they had no PROBLEMS. What is happening?
Yes, I followed through w/ my bank, it was dispatched promptly. I decided to set up my account going forward to have the payments beginning in January auto drafted to the lender. Well good grief, the online form is shaky. No confirmation date, no confirmation number, it didn't show up as being posted within their system after two days. A young lady said she would look into this and call me back. She called yesterday and I felt so aggravated with the doofy things she was saying that I wanted to stick her in the old cannon from the imaginary town of Mayberry and shoot her into next week. An odd reaction for a life long pacifist.
She had things so mixed up and convoluted, she was giving me misinformation about everything. I heard my voice escalating and I thought what in blue tortilla chips is wrong with you Ruth? There is no reason to be so MAD. Why waste perfectly good anger on stupid?
Some people are not very bright and they need our help.........teach don't yell.
But I wasn't feeling that nice............I did nip my attitude enough to request the supervisor. I am glad that I got a grip and chose this direction. Do I think she connected me to a supervisor? NO, I don't. She gave me to Steve Lawson. I feel pretty sure they are buddies. Share a tuna fish sandwich and play footsie in the cafeteria at lunch time, the rest of the time she writes "Mrs. Steve Lawson" on everything complete with curlicues and hearts!
Sigh..........there is such a lack of training, confusion over the computer system and in general things are in a mess. It ended up having to re-set up auto draft over the phone with good ol Steve Lawson...........the computer says it will be autodrafted on 12/01/2012, not 01/01/2013......this is NOT VERY REASSURING to me. But good ol Steve assures me that all will be well. So I asked him to look for my December payment that they have not credited to my account all this MONTH.........he said he would call me back this morning, after consulting with the cashier.
What are my worries? That they will take two payments for December, charge me a late fee, not set up the auto draft correctly.......not get my name situation fixed (that is coming up next, sigh), Mr. & Mrs. Steve Lawson will invite me to their wedding and hold me hostage for BIG TICKET GIFT ITEMS and in the end I will live with these two nutty strangers in a roofless room without utilities or blankets.
WHO is running the asylum? Whoever it is also changed my last name. Yup, I have been hyphenated to the last name of the man who left me shortly after I got sick. The actual divorce happened some 13 plus years ago. So again I wonder who is running the asylum? It may sound really dumb, but seeing my last name next to his last name makes me MAD. Brings up a lot of junk I thought I had tossed out of my life trunk.
The lender aka the asylum keepers said I have to send an e-mail to explain and request the removal of the name in error and that it will be corrected ASAP. This has not happened yet/either.
Is my life so small that I am turning into a short fused meanyhead? Seems entirely possible from where I sit.
Ever since I had to start hemming my jeans up by three inches so I wouldn't trip I've seen the crankiness escalating in small ways. Not as patient with myself or with my furry friends.......with life in general. If I get in my car, drive north and stay in a random hotel for 24 hours with a big tub with jets and soak for the whole time will I get over and through this mood? It even occurred to me last night that I might need a nip of elderberry wine ....... l o l..........maybe I do need a crazy night..........smoke a stogie or a foot long cigarette....... drink some rum punch, dance and call all the friends that disappeared since I won the sick for life lotto ticket ..............can you see how well that would go for a girl who needs sanity not calamity in her grown up life?
No I won't do anything idiotic like that EVER but it does hold a certain ridiculous appeal. To set them all down in a court of law and watch council ask them how they would like it........to be dismissed/dumped/dropped/cut from the team/ignored/kicked of the island........ fired after being pals in many cases for decades. Wanna glue them to the hotseat for a while and knock some sense into their thinking. Wow.......see how stuff can go from a small problem to a small fire to a fire taking over all of my sane thinking in seconds? When we/I think negative thoughts, I feel negative emotions and I think the whole world is upside down. Lose my balance, fall down and lose perspective.
Here's the worst part. Yup I'm taking the stand. I got a pkg yesterday. Opened it up and it even made me mad. I'm not fit to live with myself right now. My sister sent me a care pkg. That is a very thoughtful considerate thing to do. I love my sister and I appreciate this random gift. It is fun to get a present. Who wouldn't like a present?
The contents made me think that I am losing my sanity. A CD of the artist she is completely obsessed with. A blouse she bought for herself but didn't like. Some of her bottled sauces that I can't eat....(tomato based hot sauce and chipotle)....and some tart candy that I can't have. They always say that it is the idea that counts.
It was thoughtful, I can give the sauces to the kids, and the candy. I can give the blouse to someone who will enjoy it. I know it sounds stupid and small......she has dark brown hair and eyes, olive skin and this blouse would have looked good on her.......not on me. On me it will just wash me out, I am pale like chalk..............yes I know I am being a bum, I get it. I have got to get away from my own brain. Maybe I need to secede from myself and get held over in Getagrip County Jail for a day or two, sit in a cell and then maybe I can return to grownup sensible thinking. I am ashamed of my bad attitude.
Sorry for acting out..........very very sorry. I plan to go sit in the corner and think about what I've done and I promise I will write a very nice thank you to my sister ........and hopefully God will forgive me for being a big giant selfish BRAT. I can pay it forward.......like the blouse for example......for the right girl it will be a sweet pretty festive holiday top. I can be rehabilitated. I can grow.
At the heart of it I feel unimportant, passed over, unrecognized for my likes, my dislikes......my choices, my thoughts. It builds up and builds up and then I can barely see out the window to see the sun. I have all this muck and crud on the glass - feel disrupted by my own skin........who else do I have left to pick on if not ME???????????
Will anybody remember my favorite flowers or know what kind of pizza I like? My favorite colors, my favorite anything? Will anybody know me.......remember me? If you dig deep enough you can usually find the trouble ....... I will probably fight with myself when I see the big overpriced bill I'm sending to me for this therapy session. Being human can be a bumpy ride. And now based on the length of my pants I'm about to be to short to meet the height requirement to go on the adult rides. How much can one spine compress????????????? Pain holds me hostage sometimes. It is my job to take the high road.......Lord thank you for loving me, for forgiving me and for seeing something in me that is redeemable. Deputy Barney Fife would be dead on today if he called me a nut.
I am spending too much time with myself. How can I take a vacation from me?
Seriously, I need a break, a holiday.
I'm grouchy as all heck. Tired of my routine. Over my self.
Got to get away .......
Lord up above, don't laugh ...... I'm irritable and cranky and ticky ticky and kooky mad at the dumbest stuff. Where is the calm contented soothing place?
If there is a door I can walk through and grab a ticket, stand and wait for the perfect solution and relief I don't even wanna do that. I'm that crabby. I don't wanna be the 19th person in line today.
Is this a build up of being or becoming spoiled? Not sure, looked for an expiration date on the bottom of my left elbow and don't see a thing. What is the deal?
I've been having a general aggravation w/my mortgage company. It all started when I got a late notice in October. I had paid 3 weeks prior. They blamed my bank. My bank blamed them. Nice. Thanks everybody. Hate when everybody signs up to play the finger pointing game.
It ended up with a letter requesting an additional late fee. I disputed the fee. They removed it.
Now in between the bare bones facts of this aggravation there was a conversation or two with me standing my ground and talking some straight talk with them. (stuff like open your mail, go to various desks/in-boxes and see who is holding things up, get up from your chair and go look.........somebody is not doing their job.)
In the end I wondered if things have gotten so bad that they are now stalling payment processing at their end in order to whap people with late fees. Sad, but that's how ticky ticky I was feeling by then.
I am aware that ticky ticky is an irritating phrase, I feel like a horse with a big burr under my saddle.
In early November I dispatched my December payment even earlier. I thought let's fix this by giving them plenty of time to do their HOMEWORK. As of yesterday they still say they do not have the payment I dispatched via my bank two days shy of 30 days ago. Prior to September they had no PROBLEMS. What is happening?
Yes, I followed through w/ my bank, it was dispatched promptly. I decided to set up my account going forward to have the payments beginning in January auto drafted to the lender. Well good grief, the online form is shaky. No confirmation date, no confirmation number, it didn't show up as being posted within their system after two days. A young lady said she would look into this and call me back. She called yesterday and I felt so aggravated with the doofy things she was saying that I wanted to stick her in the old cannon from the imaginary town of Mayberry and shoot her into next week. An odd reaction for a life long pacifist.
She had things so mixed up and convoluted, she was giving me misinformation about everything. I heard my voice escalating and I thought what in blue tortilla chips is wrong with you Ruth? There is no reason to be so MAD. Why waste perfectly good anger on stupid?
Some people are not very bright and they need our help.........teach don't yell.
But I wasn't feeling that nice............I did nip my attitude enough to request the supervisor. I am glad that I got a grip and chose this direction. Do I think she connected me to a supervisor? NO, I don't. She gave me to Steve Lawson. I feel pretty sure they are buddies. Share a tuna fish sandwich and play footsie in the cafeteria at lunch time, the rest of the time she writes "Mrs. Steve Lawson" on everything complete with curlicues and hearts!
Sigh..........there is such a lack of training, confusion over the computer system and in general things are in a mess. It ended up having to re-set up auto draft over the phone with good ol Steve Lawson...........the computer says it will be autodrafted on 12/01/2012, not 01/01/2013......this is NOT VERY REASSURING to me. But good ol Steve assures me that all will be well. So I asked him to look for my December payment that they have not credited to my account all this MONTH.........he said he would call me back this morning, after consulting with the cashier.
What are my worries? That they will take two payments for December, charge me a late fee, not set up the auto draft correctly.......not get my name situation fixed (that is coming up next, sigh), Mr. & Mrs. Steve Lawson will invite me to their wedding and hold me hostage for BIG TICKET GIFT ITEMS and in the end I will live with these two nutty strangers in a roofless room without utilities or blankets.
WHO is running the asylum? Whoever it is also changed my last name. Yup, I have been hyphenated to the last name of the man who left me shortly after I got sick. The actual divorce happened some 13 plus years ago. So again I wonder who is running the asylum? It may sound really dumb, but seeing my last name next to his last name makes me MAD. Brings up a lot of junk I thought I had tossed out of my life trunk.
The lender aka the asylum keepers said I have to send an e-mail to explain and request the removal of the name in error and that it will be corrected ASAP. This has not happened yet/either.
Is my life so small that I am turning into a short fused meanyhead? Seems entirely possible from where I sit.
Ever since I had to start hemming my jeans up by three inches so I wouldn't trip I've seen the crankiness escalating in small ways. Not as patient with myself or with my furry friends.......with life in general. If I get in my car, drive north and stay in a random hotel for 24 hours with a big tub with jets and soak for the whole time will I get over and through this mood? It even occurred to me last night that I might need a nip of elderberry wine ....... l o l..........maybe I do need a crazy night..........smoke a stogie or a foot long cigarette....... drink some rum punch, dance and call all the friends that disappeared since I won the sick for life lotto ticket ..............can you see how well that would go for a girl who needs sanity not calamity in her grown up life?
No I won't do anything idiotic like that EVER but it does hold a certain ridiculous appeal. To set them all down in a court of law and watch council ask them how they would like it........to be dismissed/dumped/dropped/cut from the team/ignored/kicked of the island........ fired after being pals in many cases for decades. Wanna glue them to the hotseat for a while and knock some sense into their thinking. Wow.......see how stuff can go from a small problem to a small fire to a fire taking over all of my sane thinking in seconds? When we/I think negative thoughts, I feel negative emotions and I think the whole world is upside down. Lose my balance, fall down and lose perspective.
Here's the worst part. Yup I'm taking the stand. I got a pkg yesterday. Opened it up and it even made me mad. I'm not fit to live with myself right now. My sister sent me a care pkg. That is a very thoughtful considerate thing to do. I love my sister and I appreciate this random gift. It is fun to get a present. Who wouldn't like a present?
The contents made me think that I am losing my sanity. A CD of the artist she is completely obsessed with. A blouse she bought for herself but didn't like. Some of her bottled sauces that I can't eat....(tomato based hot sauce and chipotle)....and some tart candy that I can't have. They always say that it is the idea that counts.
It was thoughtful, I can give the sauces to the kids, and the candy. I can give the blouse to someone who will enjoy it. I know it sounds stupid and small......she has dark brown hair and eyes, olive skin and this blouse would have looked good on her.......not on me. On me it will just wash me out, I am pale like chalk..............yes I know I am being a bum, I get it. I have got to get away from my own brain. Maybe I need to secede from myself and get held over in Getagrip County Jail for a day or two, sit in a cell and then maybe I can return to grownup sensible thinking. I am ashamed of my bad attitude.
Sorry for acting out..........very very sorry. I plan to go sit in the corner and think about what I've done and I promise I will write a very nice thank you to my sister ........and hopefully God will forgive me for being a big giant selfish BRAT. I can pay it forward.......like the blouse for example......for the right girl it will be a sweet pretty festive holiday top. I can be rehabilitated. I can grow.
At the heart of it I feel unimportant, passed over, unrecognized for my likes, my dislikes......my choices, my thoughts. It builds up and builds up and then I can barely see out the window to see the sun. I have all this muck and crud on the glass - feel disrupted by my own skin........who else do I have left to pick on if not ME???????????
Will anybody remember my favorite flowers or know what kind of pizza I like? My favorite colors, my favorite anything? Will anybody know me.......remember me? If you dig deep enough you can usually find the trouble ....... I will probably fight with myself when I see the big overpriced bill I'm sending to me for this therapy session. Being human can be a bumpy ride. And now based on the length of my pants I'm about to be to short to meet the height requirement to go on the adult rides. How much can one spine compress????????????? Pain holds me hostage sometimes. It is my job to take the high road.......Lord thank you for loving me, for forgiving me and for seeing something in me that is redeemable. Deputy Barney Fife would be dead on today if he called me a nut.
Replies
I wish we could take a vacation from our sickness, from our pain... but if we could.... I would stay gone on that vacation and never come back! When I feel that way I try to get involved in a good Tv series on Netflix. I like that more than movies. The Tv characters become my \"friends\" that I can count on being there to cheer me up whenever I need it. ..or provide mystery and suspense or comedy to distract me temporarily from my pain and darkness. Ive got a migraine this morning from my \"busy \" day yesterday visiting g a friend for a few hours... I drove 30 minutes to her house, picked up barbecues loaded baked potatoes at a restaurant that had a drive thrum and we ate and visited..then I drove 30 minutes home. That\'s all I did yesterday and I feel like I lifted weights and ran kn a treadmill for 24 hours. My muscles ache, my body is stiff and sore, my allergies are bad too so I have 3 days now of sore throat. This is why I end up feeling like my outings are not worth it. The pain for days sometimes just is not worth the short fun time I had. I call this the \"fibro hangover \".
Well, I can relate to that feeling you are having but I am surprised at how much of a sense of humor you still have. You make me laugh despite your rant. That is just plain old funny about the care package you received from your sister. Too bad she didn\'t put some thought into it ... about the recipient! I feel like a brat at the moment too. FEel like throwing a giant tantrum, like something Steve Martin would throw in a movie. lol. Wish I had a good suggestion about the mortgage fiasco. Maybe Steve and the Mrs. will have new jobs by the next time you call. sigh. Oh boy, I feel for you on that one. Sending you love and hugs and good thoughts that you can wait to collect when you feel in the right mood for them. : D