Open discussion
I'm starting to think about not working at the market and then devoting all my time to the monastery. Working does provide me with a sense of purpose, mission and income. I do have another source of income (social security). So I if I stopped working I would still have some income, just not as much.
Today having work to come to really caught me as I was about to tank mentally. Maybe I have some strange illusion that I have control in life.
i know that when I was about to tank mentally I just had a sense that life had passed me by and yet having something to go to where I had a role and purpose really reminded me of the need for that in life.
Maybe a sense of no control is an awareness to have (or just some control) will make all this decision process that much more plain to see the answer for.
i would stop working part time because as of now the job at the market really takes me away from the monastery for too long. It takes my focus and mindset into the community non religious life rather than into the monastic community. It takes away my energy too. Most important.
it feels kind of like I am being half assed about both places.
Replies
Do you want to live and work at the monastery for the rest of your life? That would be a huge commitment to make. Are you ready to give up the interaction with people outside the monastery in most ways? Maybe you should make a list of pros and cons of quitting your job and pros and cons of devoting all your time to the monastery.
Happy birthday Mark. I hope is has been a happy one.
Now why in tarnation are you mulling all this over on your birthday, Marko?
Get out there and have a celebration! Do I need to take you to the neighborhood Applebee’s or Denny’s to get you out of your funk?
Thanks you guys!! Xxxo
if i have been reading you right, feeling half-assed is normal for you. perhaps i am only projecting, but, like me, you seem to carry feelings of inadequacy every where you go and in everything you do. in my own case, this is one of the places i use radical acceptance and detachment exercises. i;ve learned to spot my feelings of inadequacy, in its many guises, accept ^it^ for what ^it^ is, then work to not take it so personally.
that said. . .
you do seem to be wearing the monastery experience well. it could well be worth a more dedicated shot. if it doesn't work out, you can get another part time job later. a brisk stir in that pot just might expand your horizons a bit.
I agree with arfie that you appear to deal with feelings of inadequacy across the board.
To me, your life seems to have a nice balance now. I wonder if you would feel overly confined/suffocated if you devoted all of your time to the monastery. Generally speaking, getting out into the community and out of the monastery seems to energize you. You've expressed some discomfort in the past about how restrictive the monastery can be. (Perhaps that's changed?)
Like Becky, I use pro/con lists, because I find it helpful to see things in writing. Maybe you might consider making one?
Here to support you, whatever you decide to do! Hugs.
Thank you so much Arfie and Judy!!
Mark,
Sometimes i read between your lines in that you may be wondering about what you’re contributing as a human, or what sort of “legacy” you will leave behind. Hear me out on this!
I think anyone who has a creative bend on life and has a whole dynamic of the self and their “life’s work” can tend to go down rabbit holes of those questioning times of “what am I leaving behind?”
And I think sometimes its good to stop in your tracks and not worry so much about that- and let small daily actions be tiny benchmarks of all the MANY THINGS you contribute to this big long life.
I think devoting yourself fully to monastery would be unfulfilling to you in all that you’ve expressed in the experience and even tensions you’ve encountered.
I think you enjoy the outside world too much and you have to maybe think of these spaces in different contexts of how you define yourself within them.
Navigating all of this isn’t easy. Not for you, not for me. I have a lot of similar “themes” in my life as a creative person who has an analytical thinking mind to contend with. God works through people - this I do believe- and you start to discover when this is happening in your life when you can tune out all the other noise that can get in the way. So maybe think of taking your “monastery”’out into the world while you navigate?
Just a thought
Thank you Nikki!!! Very grateful for your honesty!!!