Ooops

I did not medicate over the weekend.  As a matter of fact, I went five days without it.

At first, I was fine.  A day without my meds is not the end of the world.  It's just being a little more tired is all.  Five days...  Wow.  I noticed.  I noticed so hard.

I've been talking to someone new.  They are wonderful, and so far, everything seems fine.  They repeatedly tell me how wonderful I am to them, they express genuine concern and desire to protect me, they make time for me every single day...  It's going well.  I think they really like me.

I just can't shake the past.  In my gut, I just know they're going to get sick of me.  Something will come up.  They'll learn something that disgusts them.  

I'm scared it'll all end and I'm going to get hurt again.  I'm going to be stuck in this hellhole again.  Being with this new person has opened my eyes up to what life could really be like if I were loved and cared for.  I know I'll make it out, but it seems like things would be better if I had them with me.  Like I wouldn't be alone, I would at least have a friend...  I dunno.  

Anxiety, depression, it's all so crippling internally.  What's really frustrating is all I want to do is curl up and sleep for eighteen hours or so, but the world doesn't pause for a few days because I need time to catch up.  And I know I need to be taking my medications.  This is my fault.  Nothing triggered this.

Even now, though, I can't shake the worries.  What if I said or did something?  What if it's all over?  I can't take this.  I need help.