Onward with Honesty
I've had a bad couple of days and decided to try and understand more about what I was feeling. Sometimes, as you all know, if we just give in to a good old cry, there is a release of some sort and we can move through the feelings on to something (anything!) else. So as I allowed the tears to flow this morning I asked myself "What are you feeling?" My answer came to me so clearly...I felt an overwhelming sadness. Not anger. Not self-pity. Not denial. Not blame. Not "why me?" Just a sadness so profound it overtook me. I was swallowed up by sadness because I can no longer touch my son's face or stroke his hair. Or laugh with him over the silliest things. Or hope with him about anything.
The emotion was like a huge ocean wave crashing over me ...I could see it coming but couldn't get out of the way...and it knocked me down and made it hard to breathe. It ground me into the sand until it hurt. And for just an instant, as with a wave, I didn't know who would win. Could I get up? Could I take breathe again? Or would I flow back out with the wave forever lost in the watery depths.
I have never been someone in touch with my feelings. As the "caretaker / pleaser" I have been much better at recognizing feelings in others. Since Max crossed over I've had to face my own feelings. It's hard. I struggle. Some days are better than others. But in my recent self-exploration I've begun to understand - and admit to - my feelings. This is a big step for me personally. Yielding to my feelings - whatever they might be - is ok as long as I am honest. Feeling such raw emotion is ok. It's as natural as a mother's love. A son's love.
Part of my growth, I believe, is to a). admit to myself that I HAVE feelings and b).share what I'm feeling with friends. And not just tell them what I think they may want to hear. Thanks for being here for me. For being special and sharing my road. If I close my eyes, I can feel your hands in mine and I am not quite as lost.
The emotion was like a huge ocean wave crashing over me ...I could see it coming but couldn't get out of the way...and it knocked me down and made it hard to breathe. It ground me into the sand until it hurt. And for just an instant, as with a wave, I didn't know who would win. Could I get up? Could I take breathe again? Or would I flow back out with the wave forever lost in the watery depths.
I have never been someone in touch with my feelings. As the "caretaker / pleaser" I have been much better at recognizing feelings in others. Since Max crossed over I've had to face my own feelings. It's hard. I struggle. Some days are better than others. But in my recent self-exploration I've begun to understand - and admit to - my feelings. This is a big step for me personally. Yielding to my feelings - whatever they might be - is ok as long as I am honest. Feeling such raw emotion is ok. It's as natural as a mother's love. A son's love.
Part of my growth, I believe, is to a). admit to myself that I HAVE feelings and b).share what I'm feeling with friends. And not just tell them what I think they may want to hear. Thanks for being here for me. For being special and sharing my road. If I close my eyes, I can feel your hands in mine and I am not quite as lost.
Replies
i totally understand your feelings. Like you, I have no anger, or \"why me? \"s, or blame - well other than myself - but yes, overwhelming sadness about what is lost and what should have been. To have been able to see, know and love the man David would have become - some-one I miss so dreadfully. Some days I really have to stand still and remind myself that this is it - like \" wait - what happened here? How did this all end up like this?\"
You are right in that however you are feeling is the natural way to feel and should be embraced. After all, it\'s who we are at any given point.. I could have almost written your journal - except that I can\'t seem to express my feelings well. Thank you for doing it for me!!!
Take care ~ love Joanna
This is the best place to let out those feelings,,they make sense here and you are never alone...((hugs))
Oh how I understand. You have expressed it so very well!
The wave metaphor is so appropriate. I recall using it in an essay at university to describe how I was feeling when there was a lot of upheaval at work. It is even more profound now as we feel the most devastating loss of our lives.
It is so hard for the caregivers of the crowd to \'cave in\' to our own feelings but I have been doing it for the last 2 years. And as Nora said, this is the best place to express those feelings.
If life is a learning opportunity where we are learning to express what we feel, I can honestly say, I would rather have not have had this lesson!
Love and big hugs,
Marlene
Yep ~ here we are on the same wave once again! I did have a wonderful up day on Tuesday but have been overwhelmed with that profound sense of sadness once again off and on over the past two days.
You describe it perfectly ~ it\'s the missing of our precious children and the sadness that overtakes and knocks us to the floor ~ sometimes literally ~ that is so very hard. Like you I have pretty much released all the feelings of \"why me\", anger, and bitterness. But the sadness and the longing for life to be the way it was \"before\" ~ oh those are hard and they never leave us completely or for good.
Like you, I have spent most of my life feeling for others and denying my own feelings. Even now there are times when someone will say to me \"how are you\" and I launch off into \"well, Rick/Allie/Hillary this and that\" rather than talking about myself. But I am learning to accept my own feelings and needs and to nurture myself as I have nurtured everyone else in my life.
Sending much love and big hugs of understanding ~ Debbie
I think when we \"withhold\" any of our emotions we think it may help us avoid pain. It hampers us from enjoying other parts of our lives. Then it\'s a lose-lose situation. I think when you say you are yeilding to your feelings now that you are allowing slowly love and joy to return to your life. Don\'t let anything or anyone rob you of your right to grieve. But also don\'t let anything or anyone stop you from letting happiness return to your life. Love to you. Robin
Your expression of overwhelming sadness like being crushed by a wave so aptly describes how I have felt at times. You are never alone here and I hope you feel my hand in yours right now.
I too believe that we must allow these emotions in and let them take us through the process so we can continue to move forward as stronger women. I too have trouble sometimes letting go and letting life in, but every ounce of my being knows it must happen so love, happiness, joy and peace can also be part of my life. I am with you, my friend! Hugs, Amber
This so reminded me of what my son, Brandon, had told his sister once when she was having problems...he said, \"When you are lying down in the water the waves look really big until you stand up.\" She shared that with me after he had passed....the analogy is very sobering....so true. We are mothers whose sadness WILL come in waves and recede as fast as they came even for just a little while. I know the sadness that you have expressed here....we shared a life with our precious boys and how wonderful they STILL are. I wish for you peace and calm especially after the fiercest storm....love and Brandon bear hugs...dale, brandon\'s mom
Oh, Gari... I can feel that wave with you almost as if it\'s a rip tide taking us out so swiftly and no matter how hard we swim we are still being carried. The shoreline comes back into view when the struggling ceases and our bodies relax and trust that we\'ll not be carried out to sea yet will find the shore once again.
To move into your feelings as you are and to allow them to inform you is so very healing. Feelings are neither good nor bad nor right nor wrong. They simply are just feelings and a way to get in touch with one\'s interior. That is what you are doing and it takes courage to not \"explain\" them away and to simply allow them just to BE as you are.
I hear you on so many levels dear friend and I\'m in the deepest gratitude for your willingness to share where you are finding yourself on this path.
Hand in hand and always heart to heart we go. I just don\'t know what I would do without my sisters of the heart and am forever grateful for the loving companionship that is here for each of us.
Lots of deep breathing as it takes a chunk of life force energy to move into what you are and keep hydrated with water and a squeeze of lemon. I found both to be so helpful to keep everything moving along as it should be inside my body.
Love to you and handsome Max. Your journal is a gift to me today. Thank YOU.
XO Joanie
Oh dear friend, you describe the profound sorrow of losing your child as only one on this path can.
I don\'t think there is a choice about feelings as we ache for a glimpse, a word, or a bear hug from our beautiful boys. The missing is the worst pain.
It is scary to go there, it is exhausting, and such an energy drain...but go there we must.
Being Italian I have always worn my feelings right up front. I admire you so much for sharing your heart here with us.
Thank you so much for your comments on my recent journals. I wasn\'t aware that Max battled with addiction...it is a monster that takes hold of far far too many young people.
We will get through this, we will survive, but a part of our heart will hold sadness until we someday join the legion of Angels waiting in Heaven.
Love and light, Rebecca
I am so glad that you are allowing yourself to be true to yourself and your feelings. What a wonderful, positive step and you are valuable and deserve to feel what you feel. Others can learn from us...we can show them that we survive...but we hurt and will probably hurt for the rest of our lives. But, we will live and enjoy life most days...and some days we will allow ourselves to cry. Love and hugs...Karen
I can so relate. As caregivers, we are programmed to be there for others. Allowing others to see our true feelings is so hard. I am getting the hang of it but it still isn\'t easy. I think that is why FMO has been such a lifeline for me. Perhaps this is our purpose on earth - to find ourselves and then share.
It sure does hurt though.
Love and hugs, Marlene