ONLY TWO MORE DAYS!!!

Friday, 1-2-09:  Aargh!!  Only two more days off!  I am not ready!  I still have a lot of sleep to catch up on!   Seriously, I am blessed to have a job.  I know that.  There are so many people I know, and many on this site, that are struggling, have lost a job, are going to lose a job, or who have had trouble finding one in the first place.  Still, I have, if not enjoyed my time off, needed it.  I have slept A LOT!  I am still not exactly what I would call healthy. However, I have been reading a book by Catherine M. Sanders.  It is called How to Survive the Loss of a Child.  She is a bereaved parent, also.  I am sure I looked at this book earlier on but it didn't really register with me, then.  Now, is another story.  In one chapter she talks about the phases of the grieving parent.  As we all know it is quite different than "normal" grief.  Anyway, the phase I believe I am in, is three.  As I read it I kept thinking, "Well, this is just me."  Some of the characteristics are withdrawal, despair, fatigue, hibernation, and weakened immune system.  Although most of us have had these characteristics all along, for me, this is different.  It has validated where I am right now.  It doesn't make me any healthier but it does validate.   For example, she states, "The body has used up vast quantities of emotional and physical energy and is now without proper defenses.  The energy of the first two phases is gone.  There is a need to sleep a lot and give in to the fatigue.  After near exhaustion of the preceding phases, the need is to pull back and conserve what little strength is left until rest can restore former energy.  The death becomes more real." I really recommend this book.  It has taken me a little over eighteen months to get to this place. The author also suggests this is a positive phase and not a negative one.  I think, for me, in essance, I finally hit rock bottom and am now fighting to get back up for more of my journey.  The rest of the journey will not be easy, I am sure.  I do think it will be less intense.  I am sure I will still have those gut wrenching, falling apart, crazy moments. In fact, I had a "small" moment yesterday.  But, I know, already, they don't come as often.   And, they are not usually not as long or as strong.  I still have a lot of work to do.  No doubt! I am sad to be "meeting" so many new members on the site.  I am glad though, since they are walking this awful journey, they have found us.  I hope I can help them in the way so many have helped me.