Only one day...

Okay, so here's the deal - I worked myself up to again thinking about the casino and had in my mind that I would drive to PS on Sunday to meet some friends, and leave early to go to the local Casino... ugh.  Well, I thought so much about it - triggered by buying crossword tickets lately and winning, that I worked my way into making every excuse in the book to go TODAY... the day before I was even thinking about going...
With that said, it was the usual rollercoaster and I had regrets, of course.  I not only lost $$ I lost my self-esteem and confidence that I can stay away from the casino.  I retract that - - I do know I can stay away, but triggers and stresses and I know no excuses no excuses no excuses - that is all they are.  I put myself in another world, make myself unavailable and unreachable, even to my husband, who I love dearly.  If anything happened to him or a close family member during those timeframes, I would never forgive myself. 
Okay - I am DONE, yet again... On the ride home, I contacted a fellow CG and talked to her for a while.  I am feeling a little bit better now, but at the time, I was furious with myself for giving in and of course, not leaving the premises when I was supposed to!!  It is absolutly INSANE!!  Yes, it is that, but what it is is an ADDICTION and this is the road I am on - - - knowing the positive changes are possible and get back on the horse, etc.,  
Do the battle each day - just remember all the horror of it... Things will be okay - noone got hurt, my lifestyle didn't change as a result of it . . . I will move forward, one step at a time.
I'm fine.   Move on!!
SG