Only a few weeks ago...

Let me start out by telling you that things between my wife and me seem to have been improving over the past couple of weeks. She has shown interest in spending time with me, and has been happier around me. I've enjoyed seeing a sparkle return to her beautiful brown eyes.

There are still things that are red flags, though. The texting and social media takes a lot of her time at home. I try to give her space and control my paranoia, but my imagination can be cruel. She still climbs into bed immediately upon her return to home after work leaving all the tasks for me (dinner, cleaning, making sure kids' homework is done and seeing their routines before bed are done).

This evening I was lying in bed watching TV with her when I reminded her of our marriage counseling appointment tomorrow. She asked if we really need to keep doing it (we've only been to one session). I told her I felt it is important to have someone to keep us accountable for progress and who will help us control the emotion during tough discussions. She said okay and and asked if I've noticed how much better she is doing. I agreed. For some reason she thought I was hesitant. Then she began to tell me she is trying to improve everything, but she can't try to do it all at once or she will get overwhelmed and quit. She teared up as she told me that she is aware she is leaving all the work for me. She admitted to shutting down somewhat when she gets home from work. She cried when she said she was trying to improve.

Then it was my turn. I apologized that she can see the insecuries and and fears within me. I am super happy that she is doing great now, but I keep wondering when her emotions will trend a different direction. When she responded that she is in love with me, I pointed out there are plenty of times she does not feel in love with me, and there will be more times in the future. I confessed my fear is someone will take advantage of a down time for her to suggest he may be a better option for her. Her response was she is committed to this family.

Now comes the reason I am compelled to write this journal entry. I told her I want to believe that more than anything. I hate that I am plagued with this demon of doubt. I asked how I can be confident in her commitment. Her response crushed me.

She said I should be confident because she is still here after almost leaving again. She said that only a few weeks ago she had been looking for a place into which to move. She followed by saying while searching she questioned herself whether she was ready to lose me forever. She concluded she did not. She asked herself if she only wanted me as a friend. Again she could not accept that. So she decided there was nothing wrong with me or the marriage and that the problem of her unhappiness lay within her. So she told herself to work on the marriage.

I write this journal for myself but I welcome friendly perspectives and comments. I am very aware that to someone else, that revelation would seem to hold so much hope for improving our marriage. I admit that I pray that is true. My problem is she goes through this cycle. When she is low, she is neither in love with me, nor even remembers the reasons for overcoming previous lows. In fact, the last major low for her resulted in a terrible affair and divorce.

I know she loves me deeply inside. I just wish she were always aware of it. I wish when she hits her low that she could be committed to make her way back to our good. I wish she always knew she would get back there no matter how bad she feels at the time. Yes, I hear all the good things she is telling me tonight about being committed, and I do see the effect in her. But what I feel most is that stab to the heart knowing that only a few weeks ago she was looking for a place to move into. We have a long, and likely painful, road ahead of us.