One Year Ago
One year ago tomorrow was when I got my BFP. One year ago was when I spent 4 weeks being happy and naively pregnant.
We have been TTC again and am now on the TWW of my 2nd TTC cycle. Even now only 2 months in I am having difficulty with thinking that I might get a BFN. There are literally times when I feel like I can't handle TTC, that for some reason each BFN, each failed month seems like a reminder of what I don't have. Maybe it's because the anniversary is so close, I don't know. I am noticing that it seems to be having some kind of subconcious effect on me. I am having a REALLY hard time staying focused at work (I get virtually nothing done anymore), and I am having nightmares again. This time they consist of giving myself an U/S at home and having a repeat of the scan from last year. I am hoping that after the anniversary things will get easier again, but I am wondering if it's also stress from TTC.
Thanksgiving is really going to be difficult this year; the 24th marks one year since our angel went to heaven. I don't know how I will be able to sit at a table and try to be thankful for things when the thing that I want to be thankful for isn't here? Don't get me wrong, there is a lot that I am thankful for, but somehow it all seems to pale in comparison to what I have lost. I know that this is/sounds selfish, but it is just how I feel. I resent that I had to wait until September to TTC because I lost my job. There were 7 wasted months there when we could have been TTC. In my head I have always had the end on the year as a time frame for getting PG (unrealistic I know) and I just don't know anymore.
I hate that I still have to feel this way (even though it's not that often anymore).
One year ago TODAY was when the old me officially left the building.
We have been TTC again and am now on the TWW of my 2nd TTC cycle. Even now only 2 months in I am having difficulty with thinking that I might get a BFN. There are literally times when I feel like I can't handle TTC, that for some reason each BFN, each failed month seems like a reminder of what I don't have. Maybe it's because the anniversary is so close, I don't know. I am noticing that it seems to be having some kind of subconcious effect on me. I am having a REALLY hard time staying focused at work (I get virtually nothing done anymore), and I am having nightmares again. This time they consist of giving myself an U/S at home and having a repeat of the scan from last year. I am hoping that after the anniversary things will get easier again, but I am wondering if it's also stress from TTC.
Thanksgiving is really going to be difficult this year; the 24th marks one year since our angel went to heaven. I don't know how I will be able to sit at a table and try to be thankful for things when the thing that I want to be thankful for isn't here? Don't get me wrong, there is a lot that I am thankful for, but somehow it all seems to pale in comparison to what I have lost. I know that this is/sounds selfish, but it is just how I feel. I resent that I had to wait until September to TTC because I lost my job. There were 7 wasted months there when we could have been TTC. In my head I have always had the end on the year as a time frame for getting PG (unrealistic I know) and I just don't know anymore.
I hate that I still have to feel this way (even though it's not that often anymore).
One year ago TODAY was when the old me officially left the building.
Replies
Oh sweetie, I know this is such a tough time for you. Anniversaries always are, and you\'ve had such a rough year with all the waiting you\'ve had to do too. I don\'t blame you at all for being resentful about that! And you don\'t sound selfish at all for wanting something so valid.
I am so sorry the dreams are back - they\'re a cruel trick. I don\'t doubt at all that the anniversary of losing your little girl is behind them - the stress of TTC will also be a little more so right now too ... I think everything takes on more significance when we\'re this emotional. The BFN\'s are a killer I know but I\'m sure there wont be too many of them. Maybe the end of the year is too rigid a time frame, nature has a funny way of playing with us sometimes, but it will happen lady, I know that.
I know TG will be hard and you\'re right, you should be able to feel thankful for your daughter being with you. Maybe the most you can expect of yourself this year is to feel thankful for the knowledge you guys can conceive and that you\'re on your way to doing so again. And don\'t be afraid to tell those you\'re with how you\'re feeling - your emotions are totally justified and you should be able to expect support and compassion at this time.
Hang on in there for the fun you\'ll have when the two of you get away, and know that I\'m here thinking of you,
Lots and lots of love to you xxxx
Cuddles XXXXX
hugs to u, the holidays suck that is for sure....there is no easy way around anniversary dates...and we are certainly NOT looking forward to our...new years day. Wishing you peace and health through this week and knowing we have the love to give....and we deserve the best...take care and peaceful sleep to you.