One Year Ago
One year ago tomorrow was when I got my BFP. One year ago was when I spent 4 weeks being happy and naively pregnant.
We have been TTC again and am now on the TWW of my 2nd TTC cycle. Even now only 2 months in I am having difficulty with thinking that I might get a BFN. There are literally times when I feel like I can't handle TTC, that for some reason each BFN, each failed month seems like a reminder of what I don't have. Maybe it's because the anniversary is so close, I don't know. I am noticing that it seems to be having some kind of subconcious effect on me. I am having a REALLY hard time staying focused at work (I get virtually nothing done anymore), and I am having nightmares again. This time they consist of giving myself an U/S at home and having a repeat of the scan from last year. I am hoping that after the anniversary things will get easier again, but I am wondering if it's also stress from TTC.
Thanksgiving is really going to be difficult this year; the 24th marks one year since our angel went to heaven. I don't know how I will be able to sit at a table and try to be thankful for things when the thing that I want to be thankful for isn't here? Don't get me wrong, there is a lot that I am thankful for, but somehow it all seems to pale in comparison to what I have lost. I know that this is/sounds selfish, but it is just how I feel. I resent that I had to wait until September to TTC because I lost my job. There were 7 wasted months there when we could have been TTC. In my head I have always had the end on the year as a time frame for getting PG (unrealistic I know) and I just don't know anymore.
I hate that I still have to feel this way (even though it's not that often anymore).
One year ago TODAY was when the old me officially left the building.
We have been TTC again and am now on the TWW of my 2nd TTC cycle. Even now only 2 months in I am having difficulty with thinking that I might get a BFN. There are literally times when I feel like I can't handle TTC, that for some reason each BFN, each failed month seems like a reminder of what I don't have. Maybe it's because the anniversary is so close, I don't know. I am noticing that it seems to be having some kind of subconcious effect on me. I am having a REALLY hard time staying focused at work (I get virtually nothing done anymore), and I am having nightmares again. This time they consist of giving myself an U/S at home and having a repeat of the scan from last year. I am hoping that after the anniversary things will get easier again, but I am wondering if it's also stress from TTC.
Thanksgiving is really going to be difficult this year; the 24th marks one year since our angel went to heaven. I don't know how I will be able to sit at a table and try to be thankful for things when the thing that I want to be thankful for isn't here? Don't get me wrong, there is a lot that I am thankful for, but somehow it all seems to pale in comparison to what I have lost. I know that this is/sounds selfish, but it is just how I feel. I resent that I had to wait until September to TTC because I lost my job. There were 7 wasted months there when we could have been TTC. In my head I have always had the end on the year as a time frame for getting PG (unrealistic I know) and I just don't know anymore.
I hate that I still have to feel this way (even though it's not that often anymore).
One year ago TODAY was when the old me officially left the building.
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