ONE WEEK DOWN.......

August 28:  Well, I made it through the first week of school!  YEA!  It was only a four day week, but seemed much longer!  Schedule change after schedule change!  Maybe we will be in the swing of things by the end of next week.  And, whew, I am having a terrible time getting to bed, not even on time, but early enough to get just enough sleep.  I am pooped!  I am really, really, missing Scott.  This ache/emptiness in the pit of my stomach is awful!  I took a nap today and had a dream about him.  Then, my mom called.  Oh, I hated to wake up.  I always love it when I dream of Scott.  It is like he is really here and I can hug him.  I would never wake up if I could help it and could continue to dream about him.  I like to think that is his way of visiting.  Crazy?  Maybe.  I don't care....whatever makes me feel better. Back to school means back to the other para in my room.  This man, although very nice in many ways, is, in my opinion, a fruit loop!  I really had to bite my tongue today.  I was in the gym waiting for the kids to arrive.  They finally did and one of them had their lunch box.  I asked, "Why does he have his lunch box with him?"  Now, that was a valid question.  With autistic kids you never know if there was an issue about it or what.  He snapped, "Well, I thought it was better to bring it here than to leave it in Ms. O's room."  "Oh", I said, "I didn't realize you were in another class."  Then,  I asked him why he looked so tense and did something happen.  He replied, "It is just stuff with the "one"."  I asked who the "one" was.  He got really defensive and smart-alecky and said if I had to ask he wasn't going to tell me.  Okay....  I was just thinking he had an issue with someone/something and maybe needed a sounding board.   Then he said, "It is 25% you and 75% me.  I have a very thin skin, but anytime you ask me a question....."  (Apparently I am the "one")  Okay, I was trying to be nice.  At that point I wanted to say, "This is why you have no friends!"  I bit my tongue.  And, at a para meeting, he reached around me, handed me a note, and left.  I looked at the note and it read, "I've got my eye on you."  What?!?!?  Also, the first day of school he stated, "I learned something about you..."  I was like, "Okay, what?"  "Well, you know how you touch someone's shoulder you know well and haven't seen for a while?"  "Yes", I said.  "You leaned away."  (I don't even remember this.)  I told him my startle reflex is over the top.  (I found my son dead, for Heaven's sake!)  Also, I am not fond of having people touch me unless I invite them into my space.  All of this just kind of creeps me out!   So, for anyone who really doesn't know me, biting my tongue is HUGE!  I am one of those people who says what I think/mean and mean what I say/think.  People love me or hate me for it.  I am not cruel.  But, if I have a question, I ask.  If something upsets me, I want to clear the air.  I am just totally up-front and honest.  I have always been this way.  But, since Scott died, I am probably a heftier version.  I just don't have time, or interest, in pussy-footing around.  I do know that I probably come off harsh/short, sometimes.  I don't mean to.  I just want to get to the point and be done with "it".  I am a work in progress. So, here I am at the week-end.  Nothing to look forward to except laundry.  WooHoo.  I was thinking today, I really need to start making some small something to look forward to.  Laundry is NOT it.  I guess that will be my project.....making a plan.  I think even if it is going to the nature center to walk around, that will be good.