One step forward Two steps back
I quit drinking as a new years resolution. I was a heavy drinker the last three years and I've been suffering from depression for about the last eight years. In recent months my depression has improved. I learned how to gain control of the thoughts that caused me the most distress and stop them from spawning in my brain. However, I was hoping that if I quit drinking it would help my progress in getting over my depression. It has not.
The first week away from alcohol I was OK but in the beginning of the second week I came crashing down into a depression. I was not able to control those thoughts. I don't believe my depression is caused by a chemical imbalance or a physical brain problem. I think I have situational depression. My suffering is caused by the loss of a relationship that I became obsessed with. It's been four years since that relationship ended and I still feel as if I can't survive without it. It's ridiculous. I know that relationship will never return but I keep hoping for it. It's almost like the quest for the Holy Grail.
There are many times on TV that I'll see a show about stalkers. An x-boyfriend won't leave his x-girlfriend alone or sometimes it's some unstable person stalking a celebrity. When I watch the stories about those stalkers I want them locked up and I wonder what's wrong with them. But I never thought I would become one of them. Not in the sense of me following and surveilling the person I miss but I think about the person I miss every day. In fact just about every hour of every day. I know her Facebook and I keep writing notes to her but I don't send them. I wrote a lengthy note yesterday for her. It seemed perfect and I almost pressed send but I decided to wait 24 hours before sending. Later in the day I realized that I can't send that. If I do she'll know I'm still obsessed over her.
When I was young I had a best friend for many years. We went through high school together and we did so many things together. After high school we moved into an apartment together and that's where it all went bad. I saw a side of him that I've never seen all the years before and he most likely learned things about me that he didn't like either. He ended up kicking me out of the apartment and moving another guy in. He said we weren't compatible. The person who was my best friend for years became an "asshole" in my mind. I wouldn't want to be friends with him again even if he wanted to.
I became an asshole toward the person I lost four years ago. I lashed out at her because I was angry that she wouldn't respond to me anymore. She's never going to want to be close with me anymore. I wish I could let it go. I wish I could stop this quest for my Holy Grail. It is destroying my life.
The person I'm talking about is my niece. We used to be close. We were like the Lone Ranger and Tonto. My wife became jealous because my niece and I were too close for her comfort and she drove my niece away. My niece doesn't want to come between my wife and me. She has stayed away for years now. This is my obsession and the cause of my depression. It never goes away.
The first week away from alcohol I was OK but in the beginning of the second week I came crashing down into a depression. I was not able to control those thoughts. I don't believe my depression is caused by a chemical imbalance or a physical brain problem. I think I have situational depression. My suffering is caused by the loss of a relationship that I became obsessed with. It's been four years since that relationship ended and I still feel as if I can't survive without it. It's ridiculous. I know that relationship will never return but I keep hoping for it. It's almost like the quest for the Holy Grail.
There are many times on TV that I'll see a show about stalkers. An x-boyfriend won't leave his x-girlfriend alone or sometimes it's some unstable person stalking a celebrity. When I watch the stories about those stalkers I want them locked up and I wonder what's wrong with them. But I never thought I would become one of them. Not in the sense of me following and surveilling the person I miss but I think about the person I miss every day. In fact just about every hour of every day. I know her Facebook and I keep writing notes to her but I don't send them. I wrote a lengthy note yesterday for her. It seemed perfect and I almost pressed send but I decided to wait 24 hours before sending. Later in the day I realized that I can't send that. If I do she'll know I'm still obsessed over her.
When I was young I had a best friend for many years. We went through high school together and we did so many things together. After high school we moved into an apartment together and that's where it all went bad. I saw a side of him that I've never seen all the years before and he most likely learned things about me that he didn't like either. He ended up kicking me out of the apartment and moving another guy in. He said we weren't compatible. The person who was my best friend for years became an "asshole" in my mind. I wouldn't want to be friends with him again even if he wanted to.
I became an asshole toward the person I lost four years ago. I lashed out at her because I was angry that she wouldn't respond to me anymore. She's never going to want to be close with me anymore. I wish I could let it go. I wish I could stop this quest for my Holy Grail. It is destroying my life.
The person I'm talking about is my niece. We used to be close. We were like the Lone Ranger and Tonto. My wife became jealous because my niece and I were too close for her comfort and she drove my niece away. My niece doesn't want to come between my wife and me. She has stayed away for years now. This is my obsession and the cause of my depression. It never goes away.
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