One Screwed Up Cookie
I Was texting my TDoc today. I love it that she allows me to contact her during the week and we keep up a slow-moving conversation We talked today about trust, confidence, and honesty. She continues to point out that I make the same mistakes and expect different outcomes. I have failed and I know that I have failed. The shame and misery for my actions are my own and forgoing that guilt is really beyond me. She (wife) might have forgiven me but I can not make the same of myself. I have no idea how to forgive myself.
Replies
Is she helping you to figure out coping strategies so that you won't keep repeating yourself?
I agree, don't be too hard on yourself.
Thor, for me, the journey began with sharing the shame with another human being. I then had to accept that I had made some poor decisions along the way. Ownership led to acceptance that there would be no do-overs, only opportunities to not repeat them. It did mean giving up any rationalizing or justifying, just accepting. Don't know if that helps; just the path I took. Comforting hugs.
SimpsonsOK - I accept my actions, and know that I did wrong. But I can not forgive myself for those actions.
Why are you so tough on yourself- if it were a friend or family member being punished with criticism, would you step in and tell them it's ok they are human- it's called growth- no one is perfect and we all need to be easy on ourselves and others- life is really short - I hope you can work this out so you can feel better- hugs
Polarbare - But I cause her the pain. Her life is completely different now because of it. We are reminded daily of that fact. I see my guilt and shame on everything. I can not forgive myself. This pain also drives my bipolar to extremes along with my heart condition. I can not seem to escape.
Thor2008 - guilt and shame are signs that you are a truly good person- you feel bad whether what you did was intentional or not- there are people in this world I know a couple who hurt someone and have no guilt or shame- they go on living as though their actions did not hurt another human being--- forgiveness is the gift we give ourselves- to keep punishing yourself will not change the past but take each day and do a kindness in repentance for the guilt and shame- an act of kindness will help you feel better about yourself as you are a good person-- we all mess up - try to feel better- hugs
Spencer your wife is a grownup, she could have left you and all your repetitiveness behind at any time.... You need to remember that also.
Life happens, and we deal with it, and we go on to survive another day....beating yourself up over every past event doesn't serve any positive purpose for either one of you.
Polar / OlderCPer - Thank you for your points of view. I understand intellectually what needs to occur, but I can't feel it within my soul. Each day I cry out under the burden but don't know how to lay it down. She should have left. It would have been easier for me. I know she said one time that she almost did when I was in the ICU and having a hard time dealing with the last surgery (cardiac). Her parents told her to go. I just love that betrayal, and they wonder why I don't call. But, back to me. I know I should forgive, but I can't still.
How do you forgive yourself? I have very strong traditions from family and my military career. Forgiving myself goes against everything that I am.
My favorite description of Forgiveness as it applies to other or yourself is from the book, The Shack:
“Forgiveness is not about forgetting. It is about letting go of another person's throat......Forgiveness does not create a relationship. Unless people speak the truth about what they have done and change their mind and behavior, a relationship of trust is not possible. When you forgive someone you certainly release them from judgment, but without true change, no real relationship can be established.......Forgiveness does not excuse anything.........You may have to declare your forgiveness a hundred times the first day and the second day, but the third day will be less and each day after, until one day you will realize that you have forgiven completely. And then one day you will pray for wholeness......”
You don't have to change your traditions, you don't have to alter your morals, your ethics or your military standards. Humans are not infallible, we make mistakes and when we make mistakes those mistakes need to be dealt with and then forgotten, so that we go on with life and do it different the next time. When you hang on to every single mistake you've made, you make it almost impossible to change, your mind is so clouded with how its been, how you've done it, how you should pay....how is there even room for thoughts of a different way with a different outcome.
You forgive yourself because of your Humanity, and yes you may have to do it 10, 20 times a day for many days or weeks until you finally believe that you deserve it. But you need to let go of your own throat, let yourself find a relationship with Joy, and let it go. Let the crap go out of your head so that there is space for thoughts of new ways to do things and thoughts of healthier outcomes, those will benefit you and your wife.
Its not about what you deserve or if you're deserving....our Humanity and the sheer fuckedupedness of it, takes "deserving" out of the equation.
Its never to late to change Spencer even though change is scary as Hell, its never too late.
Report from a PM (before reading OlderCPer's post):
XXXXXX - Not sure how to respond. The bottom line, and getting to is what we want - I don't know how to forgive myself. See, I'm military, 33 years worth. I started at the lowest enlisted rank and rose to a very senior officer position. My parents, primarily, my father, taught me commitment. You never give up, and you see whatever it is through. I was heavily rewarded for always showing commitment and not wavering from your principals. I feel that forgiving myself will betray everything that I was. A leader owns his team and their actions.
The event that I am upset about changed everything, and I mean everything in my life. It was a stupid little thing that 15 years later became a huge deal. When you review your actions with 20/20 lawyer vision, sometimes you come up short. Looking back from a comfy office in DC, what happened overseas many years ago is unfair in my thinking. Something I was taught to do that occurred many times. I never stole or hurt anyone and saved the government over $1M in cash, but that doesn't matter.
Back to me. I cannot betray who I am. And if I do, what am I then? My character, identity, and ego are tried to commitment and duty. Forgiving myself is not in me. I don't know-how, and if I do, I destroy more of myself. I am stuck. I'm still stuck between indelible guilt and inseparable character from guilt. It is not just forgiving and moving on, but the issue is a bit bigger than that. I am scared to destroy my character over this, what will I become, who will I be without what I was taught over decades of training. I can't just say oh well and move on. A leader does not do that. I am trying to own this guilt and shame, and actually, it is killing me. This shame broke my body two years ago, and I ended up on the business end of several ORs and ICUs. How do I break everything that is me to reach forgiveness?
I will post on the board for others. But, thank you from the bottom of my heart on the note. It is greatly appreciated. I am unwilling to give up myself for forgiveness. I guess this is why I am in this state. Tell your kids to kuck something in my direction. I think I deserve it.
Thor, although not military, I was brought up with strong values, especially keeping commitments and loyalty among others. I found myself in a committed relationship/marriage to someone who enjoyed torture and also tried to kill me several times. Did I feel badly for ending that commitment, yes. As the suit up and show up person, it was against my core values. It took time to forgive myself for leaving and for staying so long. Did it change my values/my character, no. You will not be giving up your self. That will remain intact. Events may change us, but not the core of who we are. Comforting hugs as you sort this out.