one of those days
I really hate myself today. I'm recovering from the past two days of binging out of control. I gained at least two pounds in the past 2 days if not 3. But none of that is the point. I smoked. That's what allowed me to binge freely.
I want to smoke again. I don't want it to be a part of my life anymore. Not at all. The 4 days I spent w out it were great. Sometimes I was upset, sometimes happy. But I was present and it was great. I want that again. I know smoking won't give me that. Not now. Not ever. I have that inside of me. I can access it at any time. I just can't be afraid of myself.
I just know what today has in store. I'm physically sick from my binging. I will be for the majority of the day. I just don't want to feel that. I don't want to be present for that sickness.
So the question is- what will really make me feel better? Cleaning my room always makes me feel better. I'm gonna go do that.
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I just realized something. I think the feeling I get on days like this is directly attributed to the amount of time I spend in this house. The feeling like nothing is going to ever be good, the feeling like I'm just never going to meet a healthy person, like I'm just damaged goods. I think it has a lot to do with the time I spend in this house. I mean it makes sense- there is no mental healthiness in this home. I love my family, my ma and brother included. But neither of them care to make the necessary changes in order to be healthy. Maybe they will someday, maybe they're just taking longer than usual, maybe they never will. But today, right now, they just want to drink or find some other level of escapism and say fuck it. They are both incredibly shallow people. Both of them step on the scale daily in order to see how they should feel about themselves that day. They are the anti-me. I'm not saying they are against me- they aren't. But they are my opposites. They are still on the path that lead me to exactly where I'm at- the path in which there is a thought that someday, if they try hard enough, their external will somehow fix their internal.
I tried and continue to try desperately to fight that instinct of mine and I've been doing a really great job. But when the weekend comes and I spend a couple of days w my ma I just feel like everything is horrible, like everyone in this world is like my ma and there will never be a day where I can be surrounded by people who view the world the same way I do now. I start to feel like I'll never leave this house- like this is my life. Its like an invisible force pulling me down and no matter how hard I try I just cant break free from it.
It isn't my ma's fault. She really is a beautiful person. She's just not mentally healthy. It isn't really my brother's fault either- even though he's 100 times worse. She loves me very much and she's given everything she has to help me. She's unable to give me what she doesn't have. She loves me and she's tried her best- that's all anyone can do.
Its not her fault. Its not my brother's fault. Its not even my fault. It just is what it is. I can't spend much time here if I want to be sane. That's just it. I have to accept it and act accordingly.
But reading through that I just feel so guilty, like I'm abandoning them. That's my codependency fucking w me. I still love them. I'll be here for them to the extent that I can. I just can't drown w them. The fucked up part is that they aren't necessarily drowning. They seem to be as okay as one can be with their lifestyle choices. My ma is a beautiful woman who is quite happy w being shallow. She's not 100 pounds overweight like me. My brother has a girl and a part time job- also not 100 pounds overweight. They don't see their lifestyle choices as drowning bc for them it isn't. The problem isn't w them living their own lives its with me trying to live their lives, trying to fix their lives when to them they might not be broken. And even if they are broken, doing things in the manner which I view as healthy might not "fix" their lives.
So I guess what I'm saying is that I just need to do what's okay for me, period. I need to put me first and just not spend so much time here. That's it.
I want to smoke again. I don't want it to be a part of my life anymore. Not at all. The 4 days I spent w out it were great. Sometimes I was upset, sometimes happy. But I was present and it was great. I want that again. I know smoking won't give me that. Not now. Not ever. I have that inside of me. I can access it at any time. I just can't be afraid of myself.
I just know what today has in store. I'm physically sick from my binging. I will be for the majority of the day. I just don't want to feel that. I don't want to be present for that sickness.
So the question is- what will really make me feel better? Cleaning my room always makes me feel better. I'm gonna go do that.
-----------------------------------------
I just realized something. I think the feeling I get on days like this is directly attributed to the amount of time I spend in this house. The feeling like nothing is going to ever be good, the feeling like I'm just never going to meet a healthy person, like I'm just damaged goods. I think it has a lot to do with the time I spend in this house. I mean it makes sense- there is no mental healthiness in this home. I love my family, my ma and brother included. But neither of them care to make the necessary changes in order to be healthy. Maybe they will someday, maybe they're just taking longer than usual, maybe they never will. But today, right now, they just want to drink or find some other level of escapism and say fuck it. They are both incredibly shallow people. Both of them step on the scale daily in order to see how they should feel about themselves that day. They are the anti-me. I'm not saying they are against me- they aren't. But they are my opposites. They are still on the path that lead me to exactly where I'm at- the path in which there is a thought that someday, if they try hard enough, their external will somehow fix their internal.
I tried and continue to try desperately to fight that instinct of mine and I've been doing a really great job. But when the weekend comes and I spend a couple of days w my ma I just feel like everything is horrible, like everyone in this world is like my ma and there will never be a day where I can be surrounded by people who view the world the same way I do now. I start to feel like I'll never leave this house- like this is my life. Its like an invisible force pulling me down and no matter how hard I try I just cant break free from it.
It isn't my ma's fault. She really is a beautiful person. She's just not mentally healthy. It isn't really my brother's fault either- even though he's 100 times worse. She loves me very much and she's given everything she has to help me. She's unable to give me what she doesn't have. She loves me and she's tried her best- that's all anyone can do.
Its not her fault. Its not my brother's fault. Its not even my fault. It just is what it is. I can't spend much time here if I want to be sane. That's just it. I have to accept it and act accordingly.
But reading through that I just feel so guilty, like I'm abandoning them. That's my codependency fucking w me. I still love them. I'll be here for them to the extent that I can. I just can't drown w them. The fucked up part is that they aren't necessarily drowning. They seem to be as okay as one can be with their lifestyle choices. My ma is a beautiful woman who is quite happy w being shallow. She's not 100 pounds overweight like me. My brother has a girl and a part time job- also not 100 pounds overweight. They don't see their lifestyle choices as drowning bc for them it isn't. The problem isn't w them living their own lives its with me trying to live their lives, trying to fix their lives when to them they might not be broken. And even if they are broken, doing things in the manner which I view as healthy might not "fix" their lives.
So I guess what I'm saying is that I just need to do what's okay for me, period. I need to put me first and just not spend so much time here. That's it.
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