One more day, then one more day
Two weeks ago I lost my baby at 17 weeks, 2 days pregnant. This was my first pregnancy and it was unplanned. There was so much happening in our lives, getting rearranged for baby - I feel like I never got to celebrate my pregnancy/baby. We were just getting to the "fun" part - shopping for cribs and strollers. We would have been going for the 20 week scan next week and found out the gender. I couldn't bare to know the gender at the time of the miscarriage - it all happened so fast, I feel like I didn't get to make any decisions.
They gave me an envelope when I went home with baby's gender and footprints. I'm not ready to look yet. I guess I'm afraid of how much it will hurt, but it hurts so much anyway. The pain is not just there when I wake up, it IS my waking up. It's there all day behind every thought. The goal is to get through one more day, then one more day, but there's no relief or satisfaction in achieving the goal - how many more days?
Some tests are being done to see if there was something wrong with baby. At this point, I'm not sure I'm ready for that information. While the miscarriage was happening, the doctors were talking "incompetent cervix". I think I'll be most comfortable with that diagnosis even though it makes it "all my fault" - at least if I become pregnant again, it can be caught early. If there was something wrong with baby, there's nothing I can do but worry that it would happen again.
I'm so helplessly sad. This is so cruel! you loose your baby, and that b!*tch Nature has your milk come in, your hormones are crazy - it's all too much!
I just want baby back. It so hard to accept that there's nothing you can do. That's not the world we expect - there's always something you can do -- just not for this....
My mom say I have to harden myself. I feel anything but hard. I burst into tears all the time. Even if I can hold back the tears, I get so choked up I can't speak or look people in the eyes.
Maybe people from older generations were better prepared to accept these things? Weren't brought up thinking everything would always be alright? My mom and aunts make comments about how many "crutches the doctors give you now with all the medicine' and how they never had any of that. Well, I'm sorry they didn't have that or that the doctors weren't concerned about their pain/experiences back then. But saying things like that makes me feel like they see me as weak and taking it all harder than I should. I was told that "loosing a baby is bad, but it's not the worst thing that can happen in life" and then given a whole list of bad life experiences that they'd had like divorces and such. Again, I'm sorry other had or felt they had bad lives, but how can you compare that with this? how can you tell me it's not the worst thing? It's the WORST thing that's ever happened to me!
I don't know how to get through this. I feel like it will go on and on forever. I know I'll be sad about this when I'm 80. But I already feel like this is "getting old" for everyone else. I feel like they are moving on and I'm about to be left alone with this sadness....
They gave me an envelope when I went home with baby's gender and footprints. I'm not ready to look yet. I guess I'm afraid of how much it will hurt, but it hurts so much anyway. The pain is not just there when I wake up, it IS my waking up. It's there all day behind every thought. The goal is to get through one more day, then one more day, but there's no relief or satisfaction in achieving the goal - how many more days?
Some tests are being done to see if there was something wrong with baby. At this point, I'm not sure I'm ready for that information. While the miscarriage was happening, the doctors were talking "incompetent cervix". I think I'll be most comfortable with that diagnosis even though it makes it "all my fault" - at least if I become pregnant again, it can be caught early. If there was something wrong with baby, there's nothing I can do but worry that it would happen again.
I'm so helplessly sad. This is so cruel! you loose your baby, and that b!*tch Nature has your milk come in, your hormones are crazy - it's all too much!
I just want baby back. It so hard to accept that there's nothing you can do. That's not the world we expect - there's always something you can do -- just not for this....
My mom say I have to harden myself. I feel anything but hard. I burst into tears all the time. Even if I can hold back the tears, I get so choked up I can't speak or look people in the eyes.
Maybe people from older generations were better prepared to accept these things? Weren't brought up thinking everything would always be alright? My mom and aunts make comments about how many "crutches the doctors give you now with all the medicine' and how they never had any of that. Well, I'm sorry they didn't have that or that the doctors weren't concerned about their pain/experiences back then. But saying things like that makes me feel like they see me as weak and taking it all harder than I should. I was told that "loosing a baby is bad, but it's not the worst thing that can happen in life" and then given a whole list of bad life experiences that they'd had like divorces and such. Again, I'm sorry other had or felt they had bad lives, but how can you compare that with this? how can you tell me it's not the worst thing? It's the WORST thing that's ever happened to me!
I don't know how to get through this. I feel like it will go on and on forever. I know I'll be sad about this when I'm 80. But I already feel like this is "getting old" for everyone else. I feel like they are moving on and I'm about to be left alone with this sadness....
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