One month
It has been exactly one month since my world seemed to fall apart. Since someone who I truly truly loved told me they wanted to take a break, and deep down I really knew it was over but I still refused to admit or accept it. This journal is everything bad I did during then, and everything good that I did.
The night that she texted me that I was driving to my friends house. I sped up, undid my seat belt, and almost ran my truck off the road right there. There was an array of large trees that would have done what I wanted perfectly. I instead came to a stop on the side of the road and cut my wrists very deeply, they bled more that I've ever seen them, mostly beacuse I couldnt see how deep I was going in the dark and that I didnt care. After about a half an hour I cleaned it up, wrapped it and threw a hoodie on. At my friends they only knew that I had just went on break with her.
Over the next few days I kept on re opening this one line directly along my vein. Right next to my tendon, it was so deep that I could see deep into the muscle of my arm. It didnt hurt at all anymore, and when I tapped that vein it felt like I was set free. During the next week I let out at close to a liter, and the next week I donated blood, oddly enough (or not) it gave me the same releasing feeling.
After donating blood I felt like I stabilized out for a week or so, but then I heard a song and I soon after ended up drunk and held my knife to my throat, considering plunging it straight into me. I almost did it, but a friend that is now maybe more texted me and I believe unknowingly kept me from killing myself. I was drunk and I dont remember it much. from there I just stoped caring and I started to drown out thoughts of her over the next little bit.
But as usual I relapsed, it wasnt as bad but I still went down hard. I kept from hurting myself too much. The only thing I did was take a few to many sleeping pills and drank a little vodka. I had the most intense dreams, and the deepest sleep of my life time. And the next day someone I had been talking to on here suggested that I just ask her what she feels. And from there we broke up. It wasnt hard for me, I had been tearing myself away from her and our relationship that whole month.
I was free and I still am, I feel happy. I think that I've maybe really started to like someone else, someone who lives half a country away. I do trust her, I hope that someday that we'll live closer, and maybe with that we'll be closer on a emotional level. I'm ready to move out of this state that I live in, there is family in it, but there is much emotional pain here as well. Maybe after this summer I will make up my mind and I will move out to somewhere such as northern California, or maybe Oregon, or somewhere over there. Ive always wanted to see the pacific, and maybe it will happen with someone I care for. I feel free :)
The night that she texted me that I was driving to my friends house. I sped up, undid my seat belt, and almost ran my truck off the road right there. There was an array of large trees that would have done what I wanted perfectly. I instead came to a stop on the side of the road and cut my wrists very deeply, they bled more that I've ever seen them, mostly beacuse I couldnt see how deep I was going in the dark and that I didnt care. After about a half an hour I cleaned it up, wrapped it and threw a hoodie on. At my friends they only knew that I had just went on break with her.
Over the next few days I kept on re opening this one line directly along my vein. Right next to my tendon, it was so deep that I could see deep into the muscle of my arm. It didnt hurt at all anymore, and when I tapped that vein it felt like I was set free. During the next week I let out at close to a liter, and the next week I donated blood, oddly enough (or not) it gave me the same releasing feeling.
After donating blood I felt like I stabilized out for a week or so, but then I heard a song and I soon after ended up drunk and held my knife to my throat, considering plunging it straight into me. I almost did it, but a friend that is now maybe more texted me and I believe unknowingly kept me from killing myself. I was drunk and I dont remember it much. from there I just stoped caring and I started to drown out thoughts of her over the next little bit.
But as usual I relapsed, it wasnt as bad but I still went down hard. I kept from hurting myself too much. The only thing I did was take a few to many sleeping pills and drank a little vodka. I had the most intense dreams, and the deepest sleep of my life time. And the next day someone I had been talking to on here suggested that I just ask her what she feels. And from there we broke up. It wasnt hard for me, I had been tearing myself away from her and our relationship that whole month.
I was free and I still am, I feel happy. I think that I've maybe really started to like someone else, someone who lives half a country away. I do trust her, I hope that someday that we'll live closer, and maybe with that we'll be closer on a emotional level. I'm ready to move out of this state that I live in, there is family in it, but there is much emotional pain here as well. Maybe after this summer I will make up my mind and I will move out to somewhere such as northern California, or maybe Oregon, or somewhere over there. Ive always wanted to see the pacific, and maybe it will happen with someone I care for. I feel free :)
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