on understanding yourself

The other day I was talking to my therapist about how I may not be made for "a significant other relationship." She responded. It's really a good thing to know yourself in life.

It was a supportive comment - I don't think it was a pointed confirmation of my misgiving.

I don't know if she was thinking of anythng deeper than just trying to shine a positivity on a touchy subject.

That wisdom of the importance 'to know thyself' is resonating today because I'm thinking about the same kind of thing abeit applied to another aspect of my life. It came about separate from the memory of her words, but it's now circling back, confirming and informing my understanding of what i've concluded..

I was in church this morning, which I had set up from the very beginning, 615am, all that needed to be done for the services which started at 730am.

I was conducting service not knowing if the higher ranking priest was coming. He usually shows at the start of liturgy

if he is coming. 9am or so. Liturgy is the part of the service when the communion is given.

The priest came to join me and when he got there he showed his typical colors. He's a really certain type of priest and when he comes into the altar place, he really is a disruptor. What I mean by that is he knocks you off balance, with instant demands and then retractions and rolling eyes to humiliate - all in broken

english. He tries to distract you all in the spirit, it seem, for having the 'decider' position and role behind the iconostasis. He is already higher and rank, but his management style really leaves something to be desired.  So today rather than believing that my mistakes were really on account of me and my fecklessness, I just let those unsteady moments roll likewater off of duck's back. I straightened my posture and then standing tall  and moving ahead with it all because I knew I could do it. It was just his nonense that was coloring the picture during that service - I was still doing the service nothing had change beyond his presence. He became frustrated at my fortitude - but at the end of this service, he ultimately said to me I 'did a good job.' Kind of a victory for me and kind of a strengthening victory at that.

Then I called my dad and I decided to tell him the story, and I told him that story after we spoke for a little while. It was a matter of just connecting and sharing but we didn't really connect so well. Ok I'm a baby but it made me just kind of down. A phrase that an actor said in a show once was  'that our parents humor us.' That was kind of a harsh thought, I know thngs run much deeper than that. I know my Dad who seems infallible is - as he said once - "just another Dad trying to be a Dad." He's a great guy.

After that I hadn't the distance from it yet to lick my wounds - I was dejected, crestfallen, I felt feeble and idiotic.

It taugt me I was different.

I knew I had to keep on keeping on and I did! I was aware of my weakness and my difference - but I knew I had to keep on in life and with the day, I know I can!  For some reason this thought came about from thinking on my differences from other people.

It was a big aha moment - a big focus on that!

The thoughts unfolded in me how there's a child aside that wants to feel like there's someone to catch me in my feeblenss - to be taken care of because if I am different and imperfect (seriously isn't that weird??) But today's victory earlier taught me to remember

that I can do it! I recognized that I am different and in light of how I am different that I can and I need to take care of myself  all again in light of that.

So again I thought of my therapist's wisdom that it's real important and good to understanding who you are and then additionally how you need to take care of yourself in light of who you are. I understand that now. Also Im realizing how I may have come to think like that (confused with fear when things aren't perfect) -  I or all of us work in iconography to communicate with each other or even with ourselves, but it's real important to be flexible or just somehow navigate between the icon and the reality and then thusly have a what is a good way to take care of yourself. Don't forget to hold fast to the virtues that you see within yourself as well. The combination of strengths and weakness, it's all just a mix, the realities of my self and life.

I feel happy right now, just having my tea realizing I need to save my money in earnest but all is well. Again keep on keep on on.