on trying to live alone
I have lived alone for about a year and a half now.
It has been to me a sense of mission to try and do this - to
self manage - to manage my energies and life on my own - in a sense
the way I should be able to do. It's been a challenge and my therapist
has pointed out, that it's not such an easy thing to do. "We're pack animals" she says.
Suddenly last night, my little sister tagged me on Facebook to a post where
a small dog - a rescue dog - was looking for a new home. Totally house broken and crate trained.
It's tempting- but I have been feeling timid about making the commitment. I'd like the little life
to relate to and I think it would change my outlook and uplift my spirits. I also fear that I wouldn't be around enough
to give that little life the perfect attention and stability that I feel it deserves.
The whole issue since last night has really made it clear to me that I tend to squirrel away to be alone
as a way to deal with myself rather than be socially engaged in my freetime. It doesn't always yield happiness - it can
yield a pained rumination. It's really kind of telling now.
I can see it. I cancelled plans with a friend to recoup my energies after working 6 days for a few weeks now.
I feared the contact, that I would make mistakes but also really that I would feel stress from it more than I would
feel a regenerative thing. I hate that I have to think of these things in such detail. I
also now see myself in deliberating over whether to get this rescue dog in terms of the stress it would give
me and the perfect job I would want to do for it - giving it the life it deserves - rather than have some leeway
both ways to how this relationship and commitment would unfold itself in the working of it.
I know I can be a perfectionist.
Now I am alone today, as I planned, spinning a little bit about life and reminding myself to enjoy the day,
which I am... I am feeling some kind of epiphany about the nature of how I fear the transgressions of normal life
and imperfection really have affected my courageousness to commit and endeavor to have interactions.
I think this is something to talk to my doctors about - but it's also something for me to come to terms with.
Feeling good. Optomistic about challenges ahead. :) Peace, namaste!
Replies
Dogs have been a formal and active part of my therapy since seeing eye dogs were the only legally recognized support animals and now that it is no longer legal for me to call Persilly, "A Support Dog," my dog remains a vital and formal piece of my psychotherapy. Sh-h-h-h. Don't tell the vested dog owners. That is one testy crowd and their politications are ? ? ? Confusing.
As vital as Persilly is to my emotional stability, during the periods I am living/travelling alone, I do need to pay extra attention to Persilly's emotional needs. Dogs are even more intensely pack animals than humans are. They don't do well alone for very long periods. Being the only critter in her pack gives me extra responsibility. When I live alone, I take her with me just about everywhere in order to meet the demands of her canine pack instinct. She's a great dog, but she is still a dog. A REAL bitch with the tail wag to prove it.
Glad you are taking the time to consider before you jump for those dreamy dog eyes. A dog trainer cliche I like is, "It runs down the leash." If you aren't fully comfortable and realistic with the responsibility, the dog won't be, either.
But I sure do love my dog. She is, second to none, the best supporter on my therapy support network. The hardest part of loving dogs is that I keep outliving them. I still miss all my therapy dogs and my best dreams are the ones where one or more of them come to visit.
Thanks Arfie!
Hang in there Marko.
Thanks Chris!