On the road.
Yesterday was a little interesting for me. I met my sponsor last night to go through the big book with me, and it's funny how things are making sense to me now, when before I didn't even seem to notice them.
The obsession to keep drinking now is clear to me, as well as the phenomina of how it comes about in the first place. I do see how this always led me back, no matter what previous consequences, or any logic said. It was so overpowering to me, and I never knew anything about it. I still thought it was more of a problem with will power, or just because I was bad. Don't know how or when I developed it, but I do know that it came at some point, and is still there waiting for an opportunity.
I also decided I need to start getting honest. That's a hard one for me because I've always been so afraid of what people will think if I really let them know about me. I didn't get honest about everything, but I made a start by telling my sponsor that I had a drink the other day. There is a lot more to be honest about, but I'm trying.
Since trying to quit this time I started to feel a lot of anxiety about everything. I felt nervouse and scared because I don't have anything now to cover up my fears. Their there. The other day I felt like I had to get off the subway and away from people, and I went to the closest booze store and bought a can of cooler. I drank it, and it didn't make anything better, but I did know that I didn't want to go where I knew it would take me so I stopped there. I also know that I can't recover if I'm not honest, so I told my sponsor about it.
Anyway, I did feel really good about our meeting last night. I could see how I never knew how to have any type of relationship with anyone. I was always trying to impress them, or create an image that I thought would work, but it never worked. I could never keep it up. It was really hard trying and at some point I would just say, "The hell with it," fuck it all up and be off again.
I'm going to try and let a relationship develop between my sponsor and myself. I want to try real friends because I could never have them before, and whatever one's may have been around long ago, I lost painfully. I want recovery now. It's way too hard the other way, and I just can't handle the pain anymore. Thank you, Lord for another day.
The obsession to keep drinking now is clear to me, as well as the phenomina of how it comes about in the first place. I do see how this always led me back, no matter what previous consequences, or any logic said. It was so overpowering to me, and I never knew anything about it. I still thought it was more of a problem with will power, or just because I was bad. Don't know how or when I developed it, but I do know that it came at some point, and is still there waiting for an opportunity.
I also decided I need to start getting honest. That's a hard one for me because I've always been so afraid of what people will think if I really let them know about me. I didn't get honest about everything, but I made a start by telling my sponsor that I had a drink the other day. There is a lot more to be honest about, but I'm trying.
Since trying to quit this time I started to feel a lot of anxiety about everything. I felt nervouse and scared because I don't have anything now to cover up my fears. Their there. The other day I felt like I had to get off the subway and away from people, and I went to the closest booze store and bought a can of cooler. I drank it, and it didn't make anything better, but I did know that I didn't want to go where I knew it would take me so I stopped there. I also know that I can't recover if I'm not honest, so I told my sponsor about it.
Anyway, I did feel really good about our meeting last night. I could see how I never knew how to have any type of relationship with anyone. I was always trying to impress them, or create an image that I thought would work, but it never worked. I could never keep it up. It was really hard trying and at some point I would just say, "The hell with it," fuck it all up and be off again.
I'm going to try and let a relationship develop between my sponsor and myself. I want to try real friends because I could never have them before, and whatever one's may have been around long ago, I lost painfully. I want recovery now. It's way too hard the other way, and I just can't handle the pain anymore. Thank you, Lord for another day.
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