On Finding Happiness

March 31, 2010 was the day my husband died.  I can't believe it's been nearly a year.  I used to say my husband was in heaven while I'm still walking through hell.  It's still true to a certain extent.  The difference lies in the fact that I've had some happiness thrown in.  Yet, I still feel discontent.  The happiness just doesn't seem to last long enough and it's not the same as it was back when my husband was alive.  I guess what it comes down to is that I've got to get used to the new normal.  And the new normal... 
Well,  I'm still dealing with issues.  Issues that bring me down and take away my hapiness on a daily basis.  And why?  It's because my husband passed and the world kept going.  I don't know, I think I felt in many ways that it would stop and allow me to catch my breath.  And when it didn't happen, I became upset.  I screamed in my mind, how could this or that person treat me this way when they know what I'm going through? But guess what, these are the same people that were in my life who treated me this way from the beginning.  The only difference is that my husband was there to soften the blows.  He's not here now and I've taken and felt each blow.  Everything is on my shoulders now.  Sometimes I feel like I'm too weak to carry it.   Still, the world goes on, and it's a world that falling apart.  Look at the disasters--earth quakes, hurricanes, shootings, and still it goes on as if nothing happened because that's life. 
So here I am, alone, scared, tired, and time just ticking away and moving on.  It doesn't matter that I need to catch my breath.  It's moving wheather I'm ready or not.   It doesn't stop because I'm feeling weak or because my husband died, or because I'm alone and scared out of my head.
I guess what I'm getting at is that I expect too much out of life.  I'm looking for heaven here on earth and it's not going to happen.  My marriage offered me a touch of heaven, but only a touch and I thank God for that.  But I've got to get used to the fact that things have changed and will never be the same.  I've got to stop expecting to be completly happy and take what happiness I can get. There's a famous quote from an old movie that I love:  don't let's ask for the moon. We have the stars. 
So that's  what I'm going to do.  I'm not going to reach for the moon.  The stars will have to do.
 
 
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Replies

widowhoodsucks
widowhoodsucks

Yes, time goes by so fast and the life we knew is gone. I feel all alone too. Just know that everyone at DS understands even if the rest of the world doesn\'t.
DianeMTB
DianeMTB

It\'s different without our husbands in our lives. We are the survivors of the loss. God had a reason for this happening to us. We are alive, breathing and kicking our heels. There is God\'s purpose for our lives. We have to be the best that we can be for God. I want to be the best Diane B. I can possibly be for God. You be the best that you can be for God. We are as happy as we make up our mind to be. All the best from Diane B.
deleted_user
deleted_user

I understand - everything is so different without the love of our lives. It is six months for me and like you there are some happy moments, but not like it use to be. God bless you - lot so hugs Jean
pathoflife
pathoflife

Tru...,

Your post is inspiring. There\'s truth in every word that you wrote and a calmness and peace that spoke to my heart. Thank you for a clear and concise description of the journey of grief and recovery. Blessings. TJ
deleted_user
deleted_user

the stars are further then some get so glad you had that. Hugs to you continuing forward..
tskks
tskks

Sounds like the bleak reality of year two is rearing it`s ugly head. But although the acceptance of this is our life now and this is as good as it gets both hurts and numbs us it does propel us forward in some strange kind of way too. Yep, life from here on in is what we make it.