On Edge

Since Brad passed I have noticed a rise in my anxiety level, but especially here this last week. When he was here I always felt so safe and secure. He would do anything to protect me and the kids, anything! But he was always the one who was on edge. And in his last couple weeks he became increasingly paranoid. I use to be that way, but it was almost like I knew I didn't have to be because he was. So now that he's not here I am almost always on edge, even more so than before. It's such an awful feeling. My safety and security is no longer here. It wasn't just with safety, but everything. I knew that no matter what situation arose he would be there. There were times when we didn't have the money to make rent, and he would go out and do a job here and there. When the kids had appointments or got sick, or school was out he was there to take care of the them. And he was always the better parent. And he pushed me to be a better parent and coached me through the things I struggle with. He was everything to me. Everything a partner or spouse should be. The more I think about what i'm feeling now, i'm reminded of some research we had done in the last couple months. Based off of several events throughout his life, and the symptoms/feelings he was experiencing we basically self diagnosed him with PTSD. The more I think about it that really seems like what I'm going through. Although maybe grief is just another word for PTSD.