OMG
It's been a while since my last journal entry. A month exactly.
3 weeks ago today I met with my daughter and a social worker in the hospital where Leslie was being treated for liver disease. I got the news that she was terminal. She was going to die--probably within a year.
Two days later she was discharged and sent home to die. I can't even begin to say what my life has been like in those 3 weeks. It was as though Leslie had accepted her death and just wanted to get it over with as soon as possible. The "within a year" became 6 mths. 6 mths. became 3 mths. Last Thursday 3 mths became any day now. Saturday, August 4 at 8:35 a.m. my daughter died.
I can't write anymore right now. There are a million things in my head, but I'm too exhausted and confused right now.
Replies
Hearing your heart with mine and wanting you to feel the loving care that is here from other sisters of the heart (soth) as we call them who walk this path alongside of one another. There is nothing that we can truly say or do, yet we can companion and witness one another's sorrow and glimmers of one day some healing and that is the gift that is here daily.
I'm happy you are here, yet sad that there is even a need. This is NOT what any of us ever imagined for our lives, is it?
One tiny baby step at a time and when your mind starts spinning like that hamster on its wheel slow it down by breathing deeply in, pausing and exhaling. For me returning to my breath is often the only thing that can slow my mind down and then I try to breathe whatever craziness is happening up "there" down into my heart where my truth lives. My heart knows and my mind can send me on a wild goose chase if I allow it.
I am so terribly sorry for the loss of your daughter, Leslie. It just isn't okay, right or fair in any way. I had to find ways to get the emotions out whatever was coming in for me. The shower became my place to cry and pillows were shouted into and I know I have friends who purchased cheap dishes from the Goodwill and smashed the heck out of them.
Loving care and so much understanding,
XO Joanie
I'm so sorry. My heart aches with you and for you.
(((hugs)))