So.... I feel like I'm just totally backsliding here, and I keep trying to tell myself that I'm not powerless to stop it, that I have control over my own friggin' hands, for pete's sake, but it's not working. I feel like for the past few months I've been able to kick the mindless habit of pulling, but when the really bad urges come, it's almost like an out-of-body experience. I wish I could figure out what caused the urges, because I'd do almost anything to make them go away. I've tinkered with my diet (I cut out sugar for lent, didn't work), I've tried giving up caffeine, I've tried exercising more regularly.
None of it seems to actually work.
And I'm starting to wonder if it's better for my mental health to let this go, to accept that this is a part of who I am. Because it's just so exhausting feeling like I have to have my guard up all the time against my own hands, thinking about something every hour of every day. It is so incredibly hard to stay positive right now when I just feel completely out of control.
I also know that it's horrible to go off your meds without your doctor, but the thought has crossed my mind. It may sound weird, but I just don't want that stuff in my body when it's not even helping. I want my old brain back, even if I did have trich. Part of me still thinks I should be able to beat this on my own and retrain my own brain to forget about trich, because... well, am I just goign to have to be on meds forever? Won't I eventually have to stop taking them?
I'm just so frustrated right now. And I really wish there were some sort of resource group of people who have managed to stay pull-free who could tell me if it's my frame of mind, my diet, or something else that I'm doing that's keeping me from quitting. I get so mad at myself, because deep down, I can still hear everyone I've told saying that I should 'just quit.' Like I WANT to look like a freak. Like I WANT to undo all of the progress I've made. Like going to therapy is the highlight of my week, or like I love putting on makeup every day so I don't get stared at when I run errands. I feel like I'm just making life so much harder than it has to be, and I'm still angry that I just don't get what's causing this. I probably won't ever know, but I feel like nobody deserves to feel the way trichsters do.
I want to like my face again. I've had people tell me that I'm still pretty without eyelashes, hair, etc., but a)I don't think they really mean it, and b) I don't agree. Sometimes, it's less about feeling pretty than feeling like my own body is betraying me and that I have no self-control. I shouldn't be envious of people for having eyelashes, for crying out loud!! Almost everyone has them!
I feel more hopeless right now than I think I ever have. I've never come so close to quitting, and it's killing me that I can't sustain it. I kind of just want to crawl into bed and cuddle with my puppy and pull out all the hair I can - and not feel bad about it. I'm worried that I'm going to be unhappy/miserable until I can either stop feeling bad about pulling or stop pulling altogether, and at this point... well, I'm worried that the trich is stronger than I am. I'm just exhausted.